From Overwhelmed and Lost to Grounded and Supported: My Mental Health Journey

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Pam Verner! I live in the far western suburbs of Chicago, Illinois, where I’ve lived most of my life. For many years, I was a psychotherapist working with addictions, codependency, grief, and trauma.

But when my first husband died nearly twenty years ago, while still retaining my license as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I took a break from my practice. Losing my husband was painful. Our marriage had been filled with many challenging and beautiful learning experiences. He held the ground under my feet through some very difficult times. I am so grateful for him.

During the isolation phase of Covid, I decided to write a book sharing how I traversed and overcame some very painful paths in childhood and early adulthood. And then unexpectedly, a man walked into my life. After refusing to date anyone for nearly eighteen years, I accepted his invitation. We eventually married. We currently share our home with two miniature long haired dachshunds.

I enjoy spending time with our families–I have three daughters, three sons-in-law, six grandchildren and two daughters-in-law. I also currently see a few clients and have presented workshops on forgiveness and healing. And of course, I write.

My husband and I like to travel and sometimes we take our dogs with us!

While I had a very difficult early life, it has turned out amazingly well. My passion is writing and sharing how to find the light within the darkness.

What is your struggle and when did it start?

The early part of my life was filled with depression, grief, and suicide desires. But before all that stress began, when I wasn’t quite five years old, I had a foundational experience one summer afternoon on Mozart Street in Chicago. This experience helped hold me through some very difficult painful times. And just a quick note before I share more – the morning before this experience, I’d been asking my mother about many vivid memories I had and wanted explanations about. These turned out to be memories clearly connected to prior lives.

That afternoon, a friend and I were playing with a scooter on Mozart Street. She got angry with me, and told me I was going to go to hell. She proceeded to tell me all about dying, about hell and about the devil. These were things I’d never heard of, or even thought of, at the time. After all, I wasn’t even five years old.

She told me the devil was under my grandma’s porch with a pitchfork waiting to get me and everyone else in my family when we die. Because of my age, I hadn’t yet considered this thing called death and the issue of time. But with her angry words, I stood on the street and shook with terror.

And then something profound happened. But it’s only in looking back I can call it profound. To a less-than-five-year-old kid, unusual profound things happen that aren’t seen as unusual. At the time, the experience seemed pretty normal for me. But it was an experience that held me throughout my life. 

An incredible loving presence dropped into my awareness and shared that we all have lived numerous lives, traveling, learning, sharing, and evolving. The memories I’d been asking my mom about were past lives. My concern at the time that mom was lying to me when she told me I didn’t have those experiences was completely resolved. I became aware she didn’t consider that we have all lived before. So she said what she believed–she wasn’t purposely lying to me. 

The loving presence shared that we are all eternal beings traveling through many, many lifetimes, with a Universal Love holding us all. And that there is no devil. Specific words were not used. This felt more like a “download” of information. I never told anyone. Somehow I also got the message to keep this to myself. And so I did for decades.

When I was nearly eight years old, I had my first near suicide. No one knew how unhappy I was and what I had nearly done. The year before, I had a case of severe appendicitis. The doctors at our local emergency room wanted to do an immediate appendectomy. But due to our family having no medical insurance and no money, my mother refused surgery and took me home.

I felt abandoned and unloved by my parents. When my mother brought me home and placed me into bed, I recalled the Mozart Street experience and decided I was going to go back to the eternal loving place I came from. And then I fell into many hours of a deep sleep. 

Somehow, my appendix did not rupture, and I did survive. I woke in the morning very disappointed I was not taken back to the loving place of Spirit. I thought Spirit and the Universal Love I had experienced on Mozart Street rejected me. Just like my parents. Those feelings of abandonment escalated until at age eight I nearly swallowed a bottle of ammonia.

I stopped myself a flash of a second before taking the liquid into my open mouth. I stopped myself from drinking the ammonia when a Spiritual Guide appeared, helping me make the decision not to swallow the poison. He helped convince me that I could find love when I was older and able to create my own life. That was when I realized the significance of making my own choices. My choices. My life.

Because I knew, even then, that the decision to put away the ammonia was my choice. Not the guide appearing before me. I soldiered on with my life until I was old enough to find love in another family of my own making, years later. 

But the man I married turned out to be an alcoholic and I thought he didn’t love me, just like my parents. And just like I thought Spirit rejected me when I wanted to come back when I had appendicitis. That’s when my long struggle with feeling suicidal began.

After a while, I decided to try psychotherapy. But eventually the therapist used sexual abuse as his “therapeutic intervention,” and my suicidal desires came back in full force. I lived on the sharp edges of suicide for several years. The only thing that stopped me from taking my own life was my love for my children. The desire to suicide was an intense, painful battle I fought every single day. 

I did many things, and received much help from some caring people and from Spirit. I haven’t been suicidal for many, many years. My life is now amazingly loving and peaceful.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

I almost didn’t survive. My first husband knew I was suicidal and did his very best to help. But he was still drinking and neither one of us understood alcoholism at that time. I continued to be sexually abused by the therapist–who told me those “sexual interventions” would help me want to live. But they didn’t. I got worse. I was dangerously suicidal. 

I had minimal contact with my family of origin, but my husband’s family was quite supportive–yet they didn’t know or understand anything about alcoholism and didn’t know the fullness of what I was dealing with. The few friends and family I did have contact with were concerned but didn’t know how desperately suicidal and dangerous my life was. My children, who were quite young, watched with grave concern–but kept quiet. 

I felt desperately alone. And kept things secret, known only to me, and minimally to my husband.

👉 Share your story: Help thousands of people around the world by sharing your own story. We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.

Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

During this time, my mother died. But her Spirit came to me the day after her death and encouraged me to do three things–to live, to go back to school, and to leave the bad therapist.

So within a fairly short time (perhaps a little over three years) I accomplished several things. I challenged my husband to enter recovery (he did). I left the therapist. A few clinicians who knew my story found an excellent therapist for me. And while finishing my undergraduate degree in psychology, I filed a lawsuit against the unethical therapist and won.

While working on my graduate degree in Clinical Social Work, I filed a claim with the state to pull the abusive therapist’s license. As I graduated with my Master’s Degree, his license was pulled. I used my voice and action to save my life. 

I worked intensely with that good therapist for several years. At one point, fairly early on in our work, I finally surrendered my fear of asking him for real help (after all, the last time I did that it didn’t turn out too well). He responded beautifully. 

In looking back over how I did this, I was helped by a few really good people, by the Spirit of my mother, and by other guiding spirits.  But using my voice, being willing to own my feelings and my choices as mine, was the significantly important piece of my recovery. 

My walk through serious depression and suicide risk was nearly ten years by the time I finally experienced a semblance of peace–a peace which has continued to grow. 

I would say that at least 85% of my recovery was due to my choices and actions. But real people helped me with actions and true caring. They restored my trust in humanity.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Please know that what I will outline here did not happen in one, two, and three simple, easy steps. It was not a linear process. Instead, it was a process of back and forth between steps, and going deeper into the steps over time. One step reinforcing the other. It took patience, and a willingness to choose to trust my own humanity and the humanity of others.

First, I kept close to my heart my Mozart Street experience – that I am not alone, that I have a soul here on this earth that is here to learn and to evolve. And significantly, there is a reason we all are here. We’ve been here before.

Second, I accepted that I am the one who makes the choices in my life. No one else chooses for me. This awareness was foundational to all I did in my life.

For example, when the lawyer for my lawsuit against the therapist asked me what would I do if I lost the suit, I responded, “…at least I would have taken action and used my voice to say “No.” He doesn’t get to do this to me.” I knew at that time the lawsuit was my choice.

Owning one’s choices as our own is one of the most powerful and impactful things we can do for ourselves. It was foundational in removing myself from feeling a victim. I eventually became aware I was responsible for all of my feelings and thinkings. This did take time, but it was hugely freeing. I began daily journaling at this time, and it was very helpful.

Third, I let go of all the cultural images and ideas validating my self-worth. I realized my self-worth was inherent within me, and always present. I was born with my worth. As we all are. It was not something bestowed on me by some accomplishment, by some person, or by some organization.

The beginning of this experience happened on one specific day where I awakened with a deep sense of unmooring. It was the beginning of my walk into what I call ‘the dark night of my soul’, but it was truly the beginning of my freedom. I ended up making a conscious effort to let go of false pride and vanities. It took time to understand this. But grace comes in many packages, most of them disguised as something else.

Fourth, (this is a companion to above), on one particular day, I made the decision to surrender my false pride and to actually ask for help. I was in the hospital after a near suicide attempt and my very good psychotherapist and I were just finishing our session.

I did not want him to leave. I took the risk and asked him to stay. He did. For the first time, I sobbed, without words, in front of him for at least ten minutes. And then I was able to tell him I was okay with him leaving. This was the beginning of letting myself be willing to ask others for help and to actually receive help from others.

Fifth, I practiced present moment awareness, on a continual basis. I still do. I became aware of my need to do this one day, while unconsciously suicidal, when I came within one foot of walking into a moving train. After getting over my shock at coming so close to such an accident, I promised myself I would practice present moment awareness. Every day. This gradually developed further into meditating on a regular basis.

Sixth, my awareness of choice and practice of present moment awareness brought me into confronting within me any movement of my thoughts or feelings into believing I was a victim. This awareness began with filing the lawsuit and was further enhanced with my training and work in the addiction recovery field.

There is a dynamic called “the Karpman Triangle,” or sometimes “The Drama Triangle.” Basically it outlines three processes that are all related roles that we humans easily become entangled within. Victim. Persecutor. Rescuer. In observing my own thinkings and feelings, it became clear to me that if I was in one of those roles, I was tied, in one way or another, to the other two. This was profound and the most freeing awareness and practice I experienced.

Seventh, with the awareness and practice mentioned above, I recognized on a deep level my own sovereignty, and I reclaimed the sacred power to own my life. And use my voice. Silent no longer.

And finally, once I claimed my own sovereignty, I was able to truly forgive–both myself and others. No longer bound by the weight of judgment against myself and others, I was able to embrace authentic compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

Forgiveness is profoundly significant and important. And hugely freeing.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

I was unwilling to share anything about my early years recalling past lives and my spiritual experiences with Guides, even with my husband, until one day, long after walking off my suicidal battlefield and already becoming a psychotherapist, I was bucked off a horse and fractured C1 and part of my brainstem.

The accident was nearly fatal. Aside from having a predictive dream that this would happen, I had an experience with an angel that saved my life that day. While lying on the arena floor in the barn, an angel hovered over me encouraging me to lie completely still. Even though my horse was wildly racing and bucking circles around me, and two people were calling and yelling for me to get up and rein in my horse, I honored the guidance of the angel and remained completely still.

The next day the neurosurgeon treating me told me that remaining still had saved my life. And so, the memory of the angel, and the memory of the predictive dream foretelling being bucked off Gabriel, I decided to share everything with my husband, who already knew of my tendency to have reliable predictive dreams.

After sharing with my husband, I began to share with a few close friends. The accident provoked me to go on a deep spiritual search which involved extending my meditation times, going to workshops and retreats, reading many books, and doing past-life regression hypnosis. Slowly, I shared my spiritual and recovery experiences with more people. But still not many.

It wasn’t until I had an encounter with a cousin who died before I was born that I decided to be more open about all this. He encouraged me to share with others my journey of walking off the battlefields of my life. It was a journey also experienced by him in World War Two, and ultimately, in one way or another, by all of humanity.

I decided to write a book – Breathing Into The Light: One Woman’s Journey Embracing the Sacredness Of All Life. It’s about how I made it through all my struggles and found grace. I am now comfortable with sharing everything.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

What we do to ourselves we do to others. So start with forgiveness. Forgive yourself. And then forgiving others will be easier. So choose forgiveness. It is our own personal choice–and a very freeing one at that.  

My understanding is that we humans are all so much more than our earthly personalities. Yet we need our personalities to travel this profound lifetime here. But we must let go of personal vanities–personal ways to measure worth. We were born with inherent worth.

We do not need to chase somewhere outside of ourselves to get it. Let yourself be vulnerable and feel love. Share kindness. And let yourself understand forgiveness. It is not dismissing a hurt. Or not holding someone accountable. But it is seeing another’s humanity while still taking good, loving care of yourself. And of course, forgiving yourself is a first step. 

And find your spiritual foundation, it is there, within you. I believe our life path is to realize our spiritual self and share that here, in this life.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

The Holographic Universe by Michael Talbot: This book reconciles physics with meditative, spiritual experiences. Right after getting bucked off Gabriel, my daughter’s boyfriend handed me this book. What was so helpful to me was that it helped me bridge physics with my spiritual experiences–making me more open to sharing. (I’ve always been a little bit of a physics ‘wonk’)

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie: This book is good for understanding codependency and how to treat oneself better.

Be Here Now by Ram Dass: This is a classic book for mindfulness and awareness.

The Spiritual Universe: One Physicist’s Vision of Spirit, Soul, Matter, and Self by Fred Alan Wolf, Ph.D.: The title says it all.

Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve: by Louis B. Smedes: An incredible book outlining forgiveness and accountability. (Spoiler alert–forgiving is not forgetting)

Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps: by Richard Rohr, O.F.M.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

You can find out more about me on my website here: pamelaverner.com. You can also find me on Facebook and Instagram.

💡 By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here. 👇

Want more interviews?

Continue reading our inspiring case studies and learn how to overcome mental health struggles in a positive way!

Want to help others with your story? We would love to publish your interview and have a positive impact on the world together. Learn more here.