"No one ever seemed to get it. It was never about being skinny. It was the sense of numbness, false sense of control, and comfort that kept me addicted to the high of this cycle. I was eventually hospitalized and then sent off to residential treatment."
"Finding a therapist that I felt believed in my recovery completely shifted things for me. Which is why I became a therapist too. I felt like I wasn’t alone, that there was someone who understood and didn’t judge me for what I was going through. And she believed in me at times more than I believed in myself."
"In my experience, I don’t think I could’ve recovered without residential treatment. Residential treatment is long-term (minimum 28 days) where you stay overnight at a facility and spend the day in individual and group therapy. In treatment, I was able to get out of my environment, focus solely on getting better, and not have to worry about school, friends, family, or work."
"Having an eating disorder is so much more than just wanting to be thin. Yes, I was obsessed with wanting to lose weight, but there were many, many other things underneath that. I desperately wanted to feel good about myself and loved by others. At times, my eating disorder gave me that sense of identity, accomplishment, and approval I wanted."
"I couldn’t allow myself to be happy. Even at my lowest weight (which is considered “underweight”), I hated who I saw in the mirror. It was never enough and it would never be enough because my actual body wasn’t the problem. I would never feel worthy until I gave that feeling of worthiness to myself. I always felt I was never enough. I was always anxious and nervous about food."
"Being sober or being 'okay' isn't about becoming perfect. A lot of people expect to look better or earn more or fall in love and so on. Sure, it can happen - but those are not pillars to build yourself on, because they can fade. You need to do an inventory with yourself or a therapist, look into who you are that brings you such shame or guilt, and start confronting that."
"My worst moment was when my husband found me sobbing on the closet floor after I had just come home from work. My boss wanted me to work on something I had no idea how to do or any interest in doing. I already felt stupid and trying to work with a coworker on this project was only going to make me feel worse about myself."
"The depression has drained a part of my life that I will never get back. I can’t seem to not see the dark side of things even when I’m fully happy - I feel like it won’t last. I hid it - until the depression manifested itself into an eating disorder. I got very thin, then people started to worry. My parents pushed me into doing therapy as they were very worried about my health."
"My dad passed away in 2015 and binge eating became a bigger crutch and problems began to arise. I found myself unable to stop eating until my stomach was so full it hurt and my body ached. I’d lie down and wish the over-full feeling would stop."
"We were going to “take it easy” and eat around 800 to 1200 calories a day to get started. That did not work for me. I wanted to be “the best” at this diet. I would start at 800 calories a day, then think “well, why not 500? Why not 400? Why not 300?” until I was eating nothing every day."