Overcoming Reactive Attachment Disorder and Depression with Self-Care and Therapy

Hello! Who are you?

Hi, I’m Michelle! I live with my family and our 13-year-old, mostly blind, sweet, and timid kitty Caitlyn, in the gorgeous Finger Lakes Region in Ithaca, New York. I’m also the proud mom of a college student.

Do I consider myself to be happy? Yes, I do. It took me a little while to integrate the always-smiling personae with my interior life, which was often unhappy but hidden. Now that the inside matches the outside, I live quite happily despite the daily challenges, the world conflicts, and the struggles to find balance. I am thrilled when engaging in activities that promote my well-being, particularly when these pursuits are shared with others. I lead a regional fitness and hiking excursion Meet Up Group. I also prioritize four daily pillars:

1. Sleep hygiene
2. Emotional wellness
3. Quality nutrition and adequate hydration
4. Daily movement and physical exercise

One of the most crucial aspects of my well-being is non-negotiable self-care. This practice nurtures me and allows me to be kinder to myself and, in turn, to others. It’s a reminder that well-being is a priority and that we all deserve to be cared for.

What is your struggle and when did it start?

My struggle began in my mid-twenties, though it likely started earlier. During most of my life, mental health issues were stigmatized, and therapy was discouraged, so I spent a lot of time masking. In my mid-twenties, I was diagnosed with a mild case of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), which often stems from early childhood experiences of neglect or abuse. This condition significantly impacted my ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. I had difficulty reading emotions but was not resistant to affection, unlike many with this diagnosis. I developed an overattachment to being liked and accepted, driven by severe criticism from both parents.

In my first year, I spent much time with my mother’s sisters because my mother had ambivalent feelings about her unexpected pregnancy and my complex, premature delivery. Without bonding closely with my mother, I struggled with abandonment, especially since my drug-addicted biological father left when I was six months old. From two years of age onward, I was raised by the man I consider my father, but he also struggled with addictions and mood swings, becoming cruel when drinking.

In my early thirties, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder following a major depressive episode. This added another layer to my struggle, with persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest in activities I once enjoyed. My energy levels were consistently low, and I struggled to concentrate or make decisions. Physical symptoms such as changes in appetite and sleep disturbances also became prevalent.

My depression was likely influenced by unresolved issues from my attachment disorder. Over time, the symptoms of both conditions began to intertwine, creating a complex and ongoing struggle. The frequency and intensity of these symptoms vary but profoundly impact my daily life, affecting my ability to live authentically, seek out healthy relationships, and engage fully in my life.

On the surface, I seemed happy; inside, I was in turmoil.

(I discuss this duality in my TEDx talk:  Waking Up to Your Wonderful Life.)

In my journey to manage and overcome depression, I explored traditional therapies, including talk therapy and medication, for two years. However, it was Eastern medicine that provided the most relief. This journey led me to become a Reiki practitioner, a mindfulness teacher, a frequent recipient of acupuncture, and an advocate for natural, homeopathic remedies. These approaches have significantly alleviated my symptoms and have been my go-to for the past two decades.

How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?

During the most challenging periods of my struggle with attachment disorder and depression, I employed several strategies to conceal my pain from those around me. These behaviors were driven by a deep-seated fear of judgment and a desire to maintain a facade of normalcy, excellence, and “strength,” which is a stereotype about black women that cuts both ways. 

One of the primary ways I hid my struggle was by always appearing “on” and maintaining a positive, happy demeanor. This condition, also referred to as “smiling depression,” is where individuals mask their true feelings behind a facade of cheerfulness and productivity. Despite experiencing severe depressive symptoms, including suicidal ideation, I made a concerted effort to appear upbeat and engaged in social settings. This involved forcing myself to smile, laugh, and participate in conversations as if everything was fine, even when I was internally battling intense emotional pain that I felt I was not safe to reveal. 

Another significant strategy I used was overcompensating in various aspects of my life. I went to great lengths to excel in my professional and personal endeavors, often setting unrealistically high standards. This perfectionistic behavior was a way to distract myself from my internal struggles and to gain external validation. If I could achieve perfection, it would compensate for my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. This overcompensation manifested in meticulous attention to detail, taking on excessive responsibilities, and striving to be the best in everything I did. 

In addition to overcompensating, I tried to seem positively happy and content. Such compensating involved engaging in social activities, maintaining a busy schedule, and being the “life of the party” in ways that did not feel genuine. I often used humor and light-heartedness as a defense mechanism to deflect attention from my actual emotional state.

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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?

The moment I felt a significant shift and change for the better in my struggle with attachment disorder and depression was when I met my future spouse. This person loved and accepted me unconditionally, validating my experiences of parental abuse and emotional neglect. Their support and understanding allowed me to open up about my depression in a way I had never done before.

As our relationship progressed, from dating to marriage and eventually having our first child, I experienced a profound transformation. My spouse helped me recognize the unhealthy dynamics I had with my mother, such as being her emotional caretaker and engaging in hours-long, draining conversations daily. With his encouragement, I learned to set boundaries and distance myself from those toxic patterns, which had been a significant contributor to my depression. 

I also realized that although I loved my parents very much and they loved me (in the best way they could), that love didn’t mean having to do whatever they told me to do. 

The decision to have a child was also a turning point. I was determined to break the cycle of emotional neglect and provide my child with the unconditional love that I had lacked growing up. I also vowed not to make grades and success the big deal it was in my childhood home. This motivated me to work on my mental health actively, combining traditional therapies with my alternative therapy regimens. 

This positive change resulted from my circumstances and actions, each contributing approximately 50%. Meeting my spouse and starting a family created the supportive environment and motivation I needed to prioritize my well-being. However, I decided to embrace alternative therapies, set boundaries with my mother, and actively work on my mental health, which facilitated the transformation.

The shift in mindset was naturally not instantaneous but rather a gradual process of self-discovery, healing, and personal growth. Each step forward, whether a Reiki session, opening a Reiki practice as an internationally-certified Reiki Master Teacher, starting each day with a mindfulness practice, or having difficult conversations with my mother, contributed to the overall improvement in my mental health and well-being improvement. It was a testament to the power of self-love, self-care, and perseverance in the face of adversity.

What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?

Overcoming my struggle with attachment disorder and depression was a multifaceted journey that involved various coping strategies, therapy techniques, and self-care practices. Here are some specific aspects that were particularly effective for me:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

One of the most impactful therapies I engaged in was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This approach helped me identify and challenge negative thought patterns that contributed to my depression. For instance, I often struggled with all-or-nothing thinking, viewing situations in black-and-white terms.

One therapist taught me to recognize and replace these cognitive distortions with more balanced and realistic thoughts.

For example, instead of thinking, “I failed at this task, so I’m a complete failure,” I learned to reframe it as, “I didn’t succeed this time, but I can learn from this experience and try again.”

Daily self-care and prioritizing sleep

My wellness coach (hey, I’m a coach, so every coach needs one) helped me see that self-care is a cornerstone of my recovery and that I must practice it lest I seem hypocritical in my advice to my clients.

I made it a point to engage in activities that nurtured my well-being, such as taking long walks in nature and eventually leading regular fitness excursions for a group that’s grown from 15 to 500 over the years. My girlfriends and I formed a support group that also included going to work out together, gyms, on retreats, and in yoga. I am still working on journaling my thoughts and feelings.

Prioritizing sleep was also crucial. I established a consistent sleep routine, which needed to be more robust. 

Setting boundaries and saying no

Another significant step was setting boundaries and saying no without feeling guilty. One of my therapists was particularly helpful in this area.

She advised me to practice assertiveness and prioritize my own needs. For example, I used to feel obligated to attend every social event or help others at the expense of my well-being. With her guidance, I started to say no to invitations or requests that I found overwhelming. This allowed me to conserve my energy and focus on activities that mattered to me.

Addressing family issues

Dealing with family issues, particularly those related to my mother and feelings of abandonment, was essential for my healing.

Another therapist helped me navigate these complex emotions. She encouraged me to explore my childhood experiences and understand how they shaped my current behaviors and relationship choices. We worked on techniques to process these feelings, such as talking to or writing letters to my younger self and practicing self-compassion. Such practices helped release some of the guilt and shame I carried and allowed me to form healthier relationships.

Al-Anon and OA support groups

Given that both my parents had addictions—my father to drugs and my mother to compulsive eating and spending—I found solace in attending Al-Anon meetings. These support groups provided a safe space to share my experiences and learn from others who faced similar challenges. I have also found Overeaters Anonymous essential to deal with compulsive eating. 

Overcoming people-pleasing and all-or-nothing thinking

Another therapist taught me the importance of not always having my “light on” as if I were a taxi cab picking up people. This metaphor helped me understand that I didn’t always have to be available to everyone. I learned to prioritize my needs and not feel responsible for others’ happiness. Additionally, another therapist helped me overcome all-or-nothing thinking by teaching me to “chunk” my work. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by large tasks, I broke them down into smaller, manageable steps. This approach made it easier to tackle projects without feeling paralyzed by the enormity of the task.

Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?

As time went on, as my facade lowered, as did the mask, I felt most comfortable talking to my friends and my partner about my struggle with attachment disorder and depression. My close friends, of whom I’m lucky to have many, have always been there to lend an ear when I needed to vent or talk through a particularly tough day. Their understanding and support helped me feel less isolated and more connected. Also, as “luck” would have it, you often attract people with similar struggles. I think it’s the Universe’s way of helping us help one another. 

I did not feel comfortable talking to my parents, work colleagues, or work superiors about my mental health struggles, at least not in the early days. I’m in Gen X, and we didn’t talk about mental health issues at work, nor did many of us ever talk about our parents negatively outside of the home. It wasn’t a thing.

My relationship with my parents, particularly my mother, was complicated by past emotional neglect and unresolved issues. I feared that discussing my struggles with them would lead to further misunderstanding or invalidation of my feelings. I gave up on the few failed attempts at doing so, where I was met with defensiveness, disbelief, and even ridicule.  

So much has changed now, so since we’ve had social media and less stigmatizing around mental health, my struggles and triumphs related to mental health are all over the web. I’m an open book.

If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?

Here’s something I wish I had known when I was little:  the ultimate lesson for good mental health is letting go of naysayers and realizing our power to control their influence on us. Letting go of naysayers and learning not to care about what others thought was thoroughly liberating.

My coach once told us entrepreneurs on an exotic detainment retreat, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” How liberating! 

I realized that surrounding myself with supportive and positive people was crucial for my mental health. I distanced myself from those who were critical or unsupportive (who reminded me of parents and significant others) and focused on building relationships with individuals who uplifted and encouraged me. Sometimes, hearing the good about myself was painful, so I was prone to trust only critique and negative feedback.

Now, I can take compliments without fear or unnecessary self-aggrandizement; if you are or were like me, know that you are amazing but also unique and irreplaceable. No one else is like you.

Naysayers are jealous, so take what they say with a grain of salt. Surround yourself with people who lift you rather than pull you down. You deserve every good thing, every moment of happiness, every slice of joy.

What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?

I took a fabulous course with Molly & Sierra of Cultivate Balance. There was a great recommended playlist for the cleanse. Some of these episodes included: 

• Tricia Hersey on Rest as Resistance episode 185 on the podcast For The Wild
• Sophie Ray on Food and Feelings on the Sugar Jar Podcast 
• Brontë Velez on the Necessity of Beauty, Part 2 on For the Wild
• Sonya Renee Taylor on What if You Loved Your Body on the Podcast We Can Do Hard Things

Influential Podcasts

1. “Therapy for Black Girls” is essential in helping me manage mental health, balance personal development, and share resources, such as finding culturally proficient therapy.
2. The Mindful Kind” by Rachael Kable offers practical mindfulness tips and techniques that I incorporated into my daily routine. Rachael Kable’s soothing voice and relatable advice helped me develop a consistent mindfulness practice.
3. “The Trauma Therapist Podcast” by Guy Macpherson. Listening to interviews with trauma experts and survivors on this podcast provided me with a deeper understanding of trauma and its effects. It also offered hope and inspiration by showcasing various paths to healing.

Influential Books

1. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk: This book provides profound insights into how trauma affects the body and mind. It helped me understand the physiological impact of my early childhood experiences and offered practical strategies for healing through body-based therapies like yoga and mindfulness.
2. “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller helped me understand my attachment style and how it influences my relationships. It offers practical advice on how to form healthier, more secure attachments with others.
3. “Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha” by Tara Brach: Tara Brach’s teachings on mindfulness and self-compassion were transformative. This book helped me cultivate a more compassionate relationship with myself, reducing self-criticism and fostering emotional healing.
4. “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Goldher Lerner is a renowned book that explores women’s experiences with anger and provides strategies for expressing anger in a healthy, constructive manner within intimate relationships. It particularly validates how, as women, we are often socialized to suppress anger or express it ineffectively through over-functioning or under-functioning and how these behaviors are tied to unproductive cycles. In the book, I learned how my righteous anger is often tied to deeper issues like feeling unheard, disrespected, or having one’s rights violated in a relationship. 
5. “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life” by Byron Kate introduced me to her method of self-inquiry. This method consists of four questions and a “turnaround” that helps me reframe stressful thoughts and beliefs about any situation. Katie’s approach is based on her realization that she suffered when she believed her thoughts, but when she didn’t believe them, she experienced freedom and peace.

Is there anything else you think we should have asked you?

Are all of us struggling in some way with how we often cling more to negative feedback than positive? I usually think so. I can hear tons of compliments about a presentation, a project, or a program, but it’s the few lines of negative feedback I usually recall. I once had a professor in undergraduate college who appeared to listen intently and sympathetically to my struggles, which were linked to the signs of early depression and my inability to turn my work in on time. I thought she cared! It was the first time I told a professor that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. A few days later, I received a terrible letter from this somewhat famous writer and professor (and, mind you, one that I’d never send to another student in life as I went on to teach college).

She wrote how she had no time for “bullshit” and other forms of excuses. I was either to get my writing done or not. Her letter shut me down for several years. I was so hurt and ashamed. I was carrying this letter around, reading it over and over, reading it to others.

I met another writer a few years later in graduate school at Cornell. He was telling me what a great writer I was. I was like, “no, I’m not.” And I handed him the letter as “proof.” To my utter dismay (and later my victory and recovery from listening to naysayers), he marched me over to the stove we had in our dorm, and he told me to burn it and to realize that this woman was, in his words, “an asshole.”

I was in awe of how much I was using that letter to justify all the negative things I felt about myself and to stop writing. After I burned the letter with Ray’s encouragement, I later became my county’s Poet Laureate.

Where can we go to learn more about you?

As the Founder and CEO of Courtney Consulting Enterprises, LLC and America Rises, I provide executive career and business coaching, wellness expertise, and innovative leadership development programs. This exciting work spans various sectors, including business, finance, law, healthcare, education, and government, where I collaborate with visionary leaders, business owners, CEOs, senior leaders, and HR teams to enhance organizational effectiveness through the lens of employee well-being. My work emphasizes the importance of mental wellness and resilience, particularly in high-stress environments.

I wrote “Keeping Calm in Chaos: how to work well, live well, and love abundantly, no matter what,” to share strategies for dealing with loss, navigating trauma, and maintaining peace and resilience in tumultuous times.

You can read more about on my websites:

• www.michellecourtneyberry.com
• www.toxicmetoo.org

You can listen to me on podcasts and other interviews here. Or follow me on LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, or YouTube

💡 By the way: If you want to start feeling better and more productive, I’ve condensed the information of 100’s of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet here. 👇

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