Episode #11: Stephanie Shanks

Hugo: [00:00:00] All right. Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of the tracking happiness podcast. This is episode 11 already. Uh, and I’m today, uh, today I’m, I’m here with Stephanie Shanks. Um, hi Stephanie.

Stephanie: Hi, how are you doing?

Hugo: I’m great. Thank you. Um, how are you?

Stephanie: I am really happy to be here and I’m doing great today. Thank you.

Hugo: Great. So, so what, one question for me right away, your backdrop is the best backdrop I’ve ever seen. Um, I’m guessing you, this is not your first time on a podcast.

Stephanie: No, so not. And, you know, we were just talking about dogs before we

Hugo: Uh huh.

Stephanie: when I got my dog, I’m like, I can’t go network anymore. I have to, I have a puppy. So, uh, I worked really hard and my boyfriend also has, he’s a photographer. So,

Hugo: which you are too, right?

Stephanie: Yeah,

we both are.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: so we both have an eye for [00:01:00] stuff.

So this is what, this was the next thing where I could still be home with my dog and still network. So that’s how, that’s how this started. But I’m not a professional podcaster or anything. I just look like

Hugo: you might as well be like to the listeners out there. What I’m looking at is just the perfect backdrop. Like it could not be more perfect. Imagine a cozy room with lots of books in the background and plants and perfect color shading lightning. Something I hope to, to reach someday, like my backdrop is just a dull,

uh, a wall.

Stephanie: it’s a wall.

It’s okay. got a plant.

Hugo: Exact one plant, as opposed, as opposed to your, uh, botanical garden.

yeah, we were, we were just chatting. We both have dogs that just are just about turned one year old. Stephanie, you’re, you’re a golden retriever, which might uh, make an appearance on the podcast

uh, if you want.

Stephanie: Yep, [00:02:00] it just depends what he wants to do today. He doesn’t usually leave my side, so he’ll probably be around.

Hugo: Well, I hope my dog doesn’t make an appearance because if she does, then it’s usually barking, barking, barking, barking. And I have to edit it all out, which is not something I look forward to. Which now I’m looking at her over my shoulder and she’s sleeping. Uh, I hope it stays that way. Um, but yeah, um, thanks for being here.

Um, I read, I had a sneak peek at the interview we already did. Uh, and you’re from Wisconsin, right?

Stephanie: Yeah, yeah,

Hugo: I don’t know what it is, but, uh, out of the, uh, well, the 11 that you’re, you’re, uh, you’re the 11th guest and three out of 11 guests have been from Wisconsin now. That’s no coincidence anymore, right?

Stephanie: that’s,

Hugo: Well, you can make of that what you will.

Stephanie: have a theory.

Hugo: Okay, well, drop it.

Stephanie: Um, so I don’t know where your [00:03:00] guests have been from, but I come from a farming background.

Hugo: Okay.

Stephanie: growing up on a farm is very detrimental to mental health.

Hugo: Wow.

Stephanie: And you really have to work

really, really hard overcome. It’s, it’s, it’s a difficult childhood

Hugo: You just pissed off the entire state of Wisconsin.

Stephanie: No, it’s true. It’s nothing, nothing’s wrong with it. It’s a very hard life.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: You know, farmers

upon farmers, generation upon generation, and they do something a certain way, they have expectations, and

Hugo: Yeah, Whoa, yeah.

Stephanie: just true.

Hugo: Whoa. well, uh, what comes to mind with me now is that, like, farmers are usually, like, you just have to tough it out, you know? Um, Which is, uh, also not, not always the best strategy to, to face mental struggles. Like some issues cannot be ignored.

Stephanie: yeah, [00:04:00] um, but for generations, that’s just what they did. They

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: power through,

Hugo: Yeah. And thus

Stephanie: that’s,

Hugo: a stigma.

Stephanie: yeah,

Hugo: Wow.

Stephanie: and I was a very sensitive child, and I wanted to please everybody, and when you’re on a farm, you just

Hugo: Oh, that’s impossible, I guess.

Stephanie: that, yeah, there’s just things that have to get done, and, you have to. Do things a certain way and that’s it. So, uh, that’s my theory on why you have Wisconsin people and we’re really nice too,

Hugo: Oh, yeah. So just for the people like you’re the third guest from Wisconsin. I’m I’m I’m familiar with Wisconsin now

already. But,

Stephanie: you’ll have to come visit.

Hugo: oh, yeah.

Stephanie: in the summertime.

Hugo: Oh, which is it, which it is right now.

Stephanie: It’s summertime right now.

Hugo: Yeah, cool.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Hugo: So describe Wisconsin in a single sentence for those who are not familiar.

And don’t use the [00:05:00] word farms.

Okay.

Stephanie: uh, nature, um, green, fresh air,

um, rural, can I use

rural?

Hugo: Yeah. Yeah. It doesn’t mean farms

Stephanie: Uh, but yeah, we have tons of state parks, tons of lakes, tons of hiking, and green grass, and just beautiful in the summertime. not a sentence, those are just adjectives, but.

Hugo: Yeah. It makes a sentence. Well, well, great. All right. Well, now we know like, where you’re from. I didn’t expect to be talking about mental health so quickly. but, sorry,

Stephanie: we don’t. Um, I would love to hear, just really quick, can you describe your place where you live in a sentence?

Hugo: in one sentence. So, I’m from the Netherlands, so this is not the sentence, but the sentence, um, cool. [00:06:00] All right. Let me try. Um, it’s a small country that’s highly densely populated in Western Europe, bordering Germany and Belgium, and it’s relatively nice.

Period.

Stephanie: Okay. Period.

Hugo: that sounded like, uh, that sounded like it just came right off Wikipedia.

Um, There was no soul in that sentence. But no, yeah, the Netherlands, it’s a really small country. We have Amsterdam, we have the windmills, we have the tulips, you know. If I look outside now, there’s none of that. There is a nice windmill, right, like a five minute walk from here, which is nice. But, yeah, the Netherlands is kind of nice.

It’s mostly flat. It’s as flat as a pancake. Speaking of pancakes, we love pancakes.

Stephanie: I didn’t know that.

Hugo: The Dutch make some great pancakes, yeah. Like, you in the States, you guys have like, uh, [00:07:00] waffle, Waffle House and, uh, you know, um, what’s that other place, Uh, IHOP?

Uh, yeah, but those are just,

Stephanie: Pancakes?

Hugo: that, that, those are just the sweet pancakes. Like, we have all the pancakes. We have the pizza pancakes, we’ve got the dessert pancakes, the breakfast pancakes, the, well, any, any pancake.

You can imagine, we, we got it.

Stephanie: Okay, that sounds, I think I could probably get used to that.

Hugo: it is nice, yeah, yeah,

well,

Stephanie: There’s um, a family that lives in the town I live in, they’re from the Netherlands,

Hugo: ah, what’s their,

Stephanie: a, an amazing, Horgis um, is the name, and I can’t think of the woman’s name off my,

Hugo: you knew what I was gonna ask.

Stephanie: well,

Hugo: I was gonna ask what’s their last name and I just, I stopped at what and you just answered it. Was that [00:08:00] something, did you, did you expect me to ask that question?

Stephanie: Um, so living in Wisconsin, it’s always like, you know, so and so’s son, do you know, so and so’s, so

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: figured the last name would be

Hugo: Important.

Stephanie: to go. Yeah.

Hugo: It’s funny because the last name, I know what it’s spelled like, like. uh, in, in, In Dutch we call it houses. It’s, it means, It

means little homes.

Uh, but, but that, that sound, like the, you call it horses, um,

Stephanie: Yeah, but

Hugo: Because that sound is just doesn’t exist in English. And it’s also the sound, that’s in it. it’s also in my last name. Which makes it a bit tough to pronounce.

Stephanie: yeah.

Hugo: well, I’m having so much fun talking about Wisconsin and pancakes and your backdrop and dogs. But, uh,

let’s try to find some, yeah, some, some, some, [00:09:00] well, how do you call it?

Stephanie: for your podcast.

Hugo: Exactly. Yeah. So,

um,

so mental health. Yeah.

man.

Stephanie: you and I have a similar background where I’m just all about discovering more about me and how I can be a better, a better human. And I feel like you’ve had that same similar experience where you, you just went on a journey of how can I be, how can I still be me, but figure out me, I guess, not even be better, but like figure out, it’s almost like a clock, like figure out what gears, how they all work together and how can I make this better. Just run smoother and last longer. And so I appreciate what you’re doing. I would love to do what you’re doing someday. So thank you for doing what you’re doing.

Hugo: Wow. Thank you.

Stephanie: I appreciate that.

Hugo: That’s, that’s so nice. [00:10:00] Wow.

You caught me off guard there.

Stephanie: Sorry.

Hugo: Yeah, but, just to, just a small reply, It started as a, it all started from a place of just being a little unhappy. Um, And I think that’s the greatest motivation out there. It’s either fear or unhappiness. Like those two things will get, get a person to do anything.

Uh, for me, that’s what, what started it all. Um, and then, you know, on some, some rainy day in April in 2017, I just started tracking happiness, the, website. I never knew in my wildest dream that I would now be talking to people from all over the world and recording a podcast and you know, but it’s been a really, really cool journey.

But yeah, it all started from, yeah, just being unhappy with what I was doing.[00:11:00]

Stephanie: Yeah. And mine was the same. I, uh, had a moment. It wasn’t 2017, it was maybe 2018, but similar time period, which is interesting. And I was coming out of the gym, the gym, getting into my car, and I had a nice car, I had a, I had a nice memory, I had a nice life. And, I was just, why can’t I just be happy?

Hugo: Because you weren’t.

Stephanie: was, wasn’t, I was miserable, but on the

outside I had everything. That I always thought I wanted, because I was always comparing myself to other people. you know, the original interview that we did was about people pleasing. And you can’t be a full time people pleaser and also be

happy. It doesn’t,

Hugo: Yeah.

[00:12:00] Yeah.

Stephanie: um, your bucket empties. And when you surround yourself with people that expect you to be a certain way, They’re not filling your bucket.

You’re not filling your bucket and you’re just completely depleted and No place

to go, but I gotta figure this out

Hugo: Yeah. Huh. Yeah. So, so on that note, like mental health, overcoming uh, struggles, getting to talk about them on a on a podcast. That’s, that’s what, what I’m going for, like being relatable, being authentic. And that’s, I feel already that you’re, you’re, you fit the bill. Um, but, but just to, just to start at the bottom of the story.

can you tell listeners, viewers a little bit of what, what your story is about?

Stephanie: Um, well, we already know I grew up on a farm in wisconsin I [00:13:00] actually, uh, I always felt very removed from, even as a child, I always thought there was something wrong with me, that I couldn’t fit in the right way, I wasn’t smart enough to be with the smart girls, I wasn’t pretty enough to be friends with the pretty girls, and, so starting at a very young age,

Hugo: Yeah. An outcast.

Stephanie: I always felt like an outcast, now was I?

No, it was just something You know, that I’ve had to overcome. And then at 16, I got pregnant with twin boys. And of course. is not good for your mental health at all.

Hugo: Wow.

Stephanie: isolation came back

in full force along with trauma, because they were three months early, they spent three months in the NICU,

Hugo: Oh wow.

Stephanie: they both have, um,

physical disabilities. So The, the path that started when I was young, definitely, I [00:14:00] don’t know if you want to say it increased or decreased, whatever. Um, I struggled with mental health a lot

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: journaling was like,

I didn’t have a lot of friends because a lot of people, you know, a lot of my friends were out doing stuff as they should be 16, 17, 18. And I just wanted to make it right. I felt like when I got pregnant, had twins that I let everybody down. And when that becomes your focus is to try to write a wrong that wasn’t a wrong.

Hugo: Oh yeah.

Stephanie: It it becomes really difficult. There’s a lot of a lot of voices that get in your head. And um, So

Hugo: You’re trying to please others. Trying to fix a situation that cannot be fixed.

Stephanie: this. Yeah.

Hugo: Yeah. And that isn’t even like in some, ways, it’s not a, situation that should maybe be fixed, but you’re like, Hey.

I’m

Stephanie: it shouldn’t have

Hugo: This, this is my fault. I’m gonna be, I’m [00:15:00] gonna prove to everyone that I, you know, this is, I’m good at what I do.

And I don’t know, I’m filling in the blanks here, but

Stephanie: Yeah.

Hugo: um,

Stephanie: right.

Hugo: way, it sounds like a hell of a, of a roller coaster at 16 years old to, yeah, to experience that.

Stephanie: it really was and then you know, I still lived with my parents for a few years after that

Hugo: Mm hmm.

Stephanie: So again that isolation of being out on a

farm not having any social with a lot of people. Um, And then, So I decided to get married at 21. right that wrong. Buy a house. Do the things.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: um, Always trying to prove myself That I can, I can be Whatever.

Sorry there’s sirens outside So it kind of just distracted me.

Hugo: Oh yeah, no worries.

Stephanie: And

Hugo: They’re stealing crops somewhere.

Stephanie: It’s a high speed chase with a tractor.

Hugo: Some [00:16:00] cows got on the loose.

Stephanie: Poor cows. Um, so then that was a disaster because the guy I married was, and I laugh about it now because it’s, it’s quite comical

Hugo: I assume he is not around anymore.

Stephanie: No, he had, uh, addictions and he drank and he spent money on, like, because that’s what happens when you’re always trying to people please, like, I found a guy that accepted me for who I am.

Hugo: Mm-Hmm.

Stephanie: to please him,

because I thought this was like,

Okay, like, my life is finally on track because I have this guy. And, um, no, it lasted about seven years though. And, and then, uh, he was like cheating on me. It was disastrous.

Hugo: Oh my god.

Stephanie: put myself in that

position anymore

to think like that’s what I put up

Hugo: Yeah, so

[00:17:00] so we, we skip seven years here where I assume a lot of

Well, a lot of shit happened, yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah, um, lot more trying to look like everything is fine,

Hugo: Oh yeah.

Stephanie: trying to hold everything together,

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: and secretly just

dying inside, right? And so ends, and he leaves me. So of

Hugo: He leaves you.

Stephanie: yeah, He leaves me. So of course my fragile ego is like, I did something wrong,

Hugo: So you start blaming yourself.

Stephanie: Yeah. um, I immediately meet another guy. move in together. He has four kids and I’m just trying to be this person for him.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: We get married

and that lasted again, about seven years. And at the end of it, I couldn’t even get out of [00:18:00] bed anymore. You know, like I couldn’t even. I had nothing left in me and I felt like I was dying.

Like I, I literally thought I was dying.

Hugo: Would you call it depression?

Stephanie: depression?

anxiety, uh, PTSD from like all the other stuff.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: And

Hugo: Giving birth to a twin at 16 years old.

Stephanie: yeah. And the, yeah. And, um, trying to be a step mom again now to these four kids. And like, I just kept piling and piling and piling and piling all this stuff on until I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it anymore. So that takes me to the gym moment because we had a nice life. Like I said, we had a nice

Hugo: Oh, yeah. So I almost forgot, but yeah. that’s, That was basically like the the prelude to the story. Like You you got out of the gym. entered the car and we’re like, what, what, what the hell am I even doing?

Stephanie: I just broke down and, uh, because like you’re supposed to go to [00:19:00] the gym to make you feel better. I was doing all these things that I’m supposed to do to make me feel better.

Hugo: Nice car.

Stephanie: walks, go to the gym.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: Like was trying on my own to feel better. Even though I, it was impossible. Like looking back

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: situation I was in from like, even as a little girl trying to fit into, uh, think 2019, 2018 was when, everything, the balls all dropped and it was impossible. I was living an impossible life.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: So in 2019, I knew I had to. Get a divorce. I knew I had to let a lot of people down. I had to let my stepkids down. I had to let my kids down. I had to let my parents down again. that’s what kind of kept me, I think, stuck for so long is I was so afraid of letting everybody down.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: And then,

[00:20:00] and then, um, all the books I read, you know, on inner critic and trauma and everything I was trying to do I had all these expectations. When I was finally on my own and my life just like opened up because I could finally just be happy because I’m me, you know, I can just be me and Friends left friends came I you know, all this stuff just happened because I finally stopped Pretending to be okay.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: So that’s sorry. I

don’t know where but that’s the story. I guess that’s

Hugo: Well, no, no, that, that, that was a roller coaster, but yeah, it was, it was clear from the start that that is going to be a roller coaster. And I think you, you explained it really well. Um, .

Stephanie: Yeah.

Hugo: it started at 16 [00:21:00] years old, you, you

got married

Stephanie: 16.

Hugo: years long.

You, you, you tried to just do what everyone else expected of you, uh, kept your head down. plowed through until that didn’t work. And actually the irony is that that guy left you,

even though he didn’t sound really that trustworthy. Um, kind of feels like you dodged the bullet there, but anyway, um,

then that wasn’t the point where you realized that, well, where you had to realization that you did eventually when you, uh, entered the car after a workout where you were like, Hey,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Hugo: this, this doesn’t work.

Stephanie: No, I had to be, um, it was so painful to leave the second marriage that that’s, that was my wake up call.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: That was like,

[00:22:00] I will never go back. Like, I can’t. When something’s that bad, like in, inside, to go through that pain, I, it was just a whole opening for me.

Hugo: Yeah.

And so was there any? How did you figure that out? Like, well, maybe a stupid question, but was there something that that caused you to realize, um, that that you had that moment in the car? Was there like, a, a catalyst for that? Or was it just a a accumulation of everything that happened the past, like, 18 years or something?

Stephanie: Yeah, it was, you know, it was like the final brick. Um, and nothing had happened that I’m aware of, that

I remember from that day. That was

like, that’s it, I’m done. It was just more that, um, I developed asthma really bad.

again, it was just that crushing weight[00:23:00]

my life.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: And I gained a bunch of

weight. I, uh, It was just everything, you know, I, I knew I wasn’t being honest with myself anymore

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: and,

and I knew that if I continued how I was going, I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t live, it was like Christmas time and I, all the kids were home and I wanted to do all this stuff and it’s like, I, I couldn’t,

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: you know,

Hugo: Oh, wow.

Stephanie: was a, it was a, really painful experience.

Hugo: Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And so, what happened after? Like, okay, so, you, you, well, it sounds like before you can, uh, you know, um, that’s, that’s applicable, to a lot of areas in life. But in order for you to go forward, you first have to move a couple of steps backwards. And it sounds like you, you had to do that with, you know, a [00:24:00] divorce.

Sounds like, even though you know that it’s, it’s something that you need to do, but it still sounds like, well, it sounds like it it would suck.

Um,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Hugo: but, But at that point in the car, you were like, Hey, I need to take a couple of steps backs. and then I’ll finally be able to focus on me and get to figure out what I what I need in my life.

Stephanie: Yep. Yeah. So I, um, booked a trip to Santa Barbara a month

Hugo: So that that’s that’s north of Los Angeles, right? In sunny California.

Stephanie: yep.

Hugo: I’ve actually been there once with the nice pier and the ocean and the mountains and the backdrop. and Always sunny weather.

Stephanie: and the mountain.

Hugo: from Wisconsin, so you’ve got two months of sunny weather a year.

Stephanie: Yeah. And the winter is, is awful. Um, I went there thinking that, okay, maybe I can make my marriage work

Hugo: Okay, so that was prior to, to [00:25:00] divorcing. it was like,

Stephanie: already like,

Hugo: okay.

Stephanie: separated at the time.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: and, uh, maybe I can make this work if I, can start a business in Santa Barbara, you know, I, I do portraits and headshots. So that’s like a pretty universal

Hugo: Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie: but when I got there, I realized like how broken I was and I really needed that month just to feel on, to feel broken

Hugo: Oh yeah. Yeah. Just be alone and be on your own without like your family, friends.

It’s miles away.

Stephanie: my son was with me.

Hugo: Okay.

Stephanie: have a 16 year old and.

So he was like 14 at the time, so he didn’t really love it at all. But so I would go to the beach and he would do his, he was doing online schooling. Um, so I, I really needed that time without, yeah, all the other distractions. [00:26:00] But,

Hugo: So basically, it seems to me like you had this, this like a broken plate, and that was the time you finally got to spread it all out on the floor and see like, hey, what are the pieces that I’m even made of, Yeah. before you can tie them back together and glue them and turn it into a, a, a whole again.

Stephanie: I love that. Yeah.

Hugo: Sorry for my terrible English here. I’m, I’m, that’s the thing.

Stephanie: it’s,

Hugo: I’m always finding words in Dutch where I’m like, ah, this would make me sound so smart. And then I’m just struggling with the English translation. And I just hear myself in English and it’s just sad. So

anyway,

yeah,

Stephanie: no,

Hugo: analogy,

yeah, it sounds like, yeah.

Stephanie: that.

Hugo: And then, but, but you, you could only do that and spread it all out. with with no one else around you to judge you or to think like, Hey, I don’t know. I cannot, I cannot let my guard down around others. Or I have to [00:27:00] be a certain person that I should be in front of others. Would you advise it? So if if any listeners are out here, our viewers are thinking like, Oh, wait, wow.

Um, I’m not happy. I’ve, I’ve never, I’ve not been happy for years. Um, it sounds like pretty decent advice to, you know, just book a solo trip to somewhere and be alone. Um, Even if you don’t have any plans.

Stephanie: yeah, even if you don’t have a lot of money, you know, I put it all on a credit card,

Hugo: Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Stephanie: like I, the American

way, I, and I’ve learned to do that. I’ve taken a couple other solo trips to when, when you, you just feel this, whatever it is in your heart that you know, you need, you have to have the courage to do it. able to do that.

Hugo: Oh yeah. Yeah. and not think about all the reasons why you shouldn’t, because there’s always thousands of reasons why you shouldn’t do [00:28:00] something and just follow your gut basically.

Yeah.

Stephanie: the divorce and knew that in order to to take the rest of my life and Be okay being me that You know because the journey started obviously before that moment The more I was trying to come into me The more broken my marriage was, the more broken my friendships were. So some people can take that journey of self discovery and they have people around them that support them. And that’s beautiful and wonderful. I didn’t have that because I had built my whole life on people pleasing.

So the people I had around me

had an expectation of me and that’s why they were friends with

Hugo: They [00:29:00] only knew the version of you that was unhappy from within.

But, but yeah.

Stephanie: And they only knew the version that if they needed something, I was right there. Yup. Even though I wasn’t whole, I was, like, physically there, you know,

Hugo: Yeah,

Stephanie: uh, So it all depends on where people are and who they are and who they have around them.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: I do think having that

safe place to feel feelings is, is key, no matter What situation you’re in?

Hugo: yeah

Stephanie: never really felt that until I was in Santa

Barbara, I was safe to just feel the feelings like we had talked about. So

Hugo: And so, um, that moment, rock bottom, if you can call it that, um, from there, what happened? Like, at the start of this conversation, you said, yo, I’m, I’m very happy right now. I’m doing great.

I want to get to that. So, like, let’s, can you take us [00:30:00] through that part of the story?

Stephanie: yeah. So, um, came back to Baraboo, my town.

Hugo: Bear, bear boo.

Stephanie: didn’t. Baraboo,

Wisconsin. Yeah.

Hugo: Sounds like, uh, oh, and the cat makes an appearance. Wow, that’s, uh, wow.

Oh, a white cat. Yeah.

Stephanie: Um, so I wanted to just stay in Santa Barbara. I didn’t want to come home and have to deal with everything. And, uh, I did came back, uh, basically just started my life completely over. Um, had a room in my house that was my photo studio at one point I just started buying things like at yard sales, garage sales, secondhand stores.

I didn’t want to take anything from the house I didn’t want to like traumatize my stepkids [00:31:00] anymore.

Hugo: Oh, yeah.

Stephanie: know, I didn’t want to take things off the wall.

I didn’t want to take furniture because I didn’t. I didn’t want them to come downstairs and see stuff not there. That’s a hard one

still. Um, And I got an apartment here and started filling it up.

The thing that really started feeling good was seeing my son flourish. So, prior to me leaving, he spent all his time in his room, never came out, and when we moved here, He was also free to be himself, know, because I was free to be myself. So we were like mirroring each other

Hugo: Yeah. Yeah.

yeah,

Stephanie: a job and he got friends.

And, um, [00:32:00] that was like, so important for me to know that I made the right choice. And that was confidence in my decision.

So you have that little

piece of confidence and then you can take that. And it’s like, Oh, I wonder if I did this with my business. I wonder where that would go. You know, and like, and then people start responding.

And then I start like talking from my heart about things that have happened and people start responding and it’s like, okay, so it’s just like these little tiny steps into confidence. That it’s okay to be a complete train wreck, and it’s okay to completely start your life over,

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: you know, because

it’s, it’s that authenticity that gets you through.

Hugo: It’s so beautifully said, like, um, it’s, it’s a marathon and, and every step takes you closer. towards the finish line. And [00:33:00] even though one step might seem totally insignificant, just knowing that you’re one step closer to that finish line can be enough for you to take another step and take another step, knowing that you’re headed in the right direction.

A

Stephanie: in my health, you know, from being on all kinds of asthma medication to just going off of it completely, like that was a huge, you know, again, it’s just like those little

Hugo: confirmation that you’re headed in the right direction, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah,

Hugo: So, So, yeah.

Stephanie: so,

that’s kind of where

it’s all, it’s all came about, you know, um, the best part about my life now is that I get to just me. I get to wake up in the morning and I get to, you know, lay in my bed and I love my bed [00:34:00]

This is like the best bed in the world.

Hugo: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie: And um, just knowing that is, is, is an amazing feeling.

Yeah.

Hugo: then, suddenly the small things in life can be enough. Yeah.

Stephanie: Like knows? like whatever it is, like all of a sudden I have this realization, like, this is the best glass of water in my life. And um, yeah, it’s just, and then my business too, because I am a single mom now, and I own my own business, and that’s, can be really stressful. Um,

Hugo: it’s at least your own business and it’s your own,

Stephanie: yeah.

Hugo: Or I was just completing your sentence there, but I had a feeling that that was what you’re gonna.

Stephanie: Yeah. it’s my own and I get to take it wherever I want it, want it, want to take it.

Hugo: Yeah. And then suddenly [00:35:00] hardships become challenges to overcome instead of like, Oh, this is something I don’t want to do. And at least it’s something that, that is in line with the direction that you, you want to go anyway.

Stephanie: Yeah, that, I like that word a lot. Alignment is really, is really important. So focusing on those things, um, but also being real about the stuff that has happened.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: Because I, it’s

easy to share the not so, the like kinda not so great and the kinda pretty good. But like that bottom 10 percent and the top 10%. It’s really, really hard. You have to really overcome that fear of being seen the, you know, and I think that’s now that I say that, that’s, that was a huge part of it. I, that fear of like what people are going to say, what they’re going to say when I run into them and they’re like, where’s your ex husband?

Or if I’m, you know, I have a boyfriend, I was a [00:36:00] photographer, which again, alignment, um, you know, what happened and even though years go by, but sometimes you don’t see people for years and you know,

Hugo: Was that a big part of, was that a big part of what what kept you from, you know, Um, Yeah, from taking the steps needed to to find yourself. Was it was the stigma or the judgment of others? Was that a part that kept you, uh, kept you in that prior situation for longer?

Stephanie: Absolutely. Again, that people pleasing thing,

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: a real,

that’s real.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: the status quo, when you live in a small town, you know, that’s, that’s a real thing.

Hugo: Yeah. Everyone knows each other. Everyone talks about each other.

Stephanie: yeah.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah.

So, um, but. That is just something that is, is part of it.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: [00:37:00] I’m okay with that.

Hugo: Uh, well,

Stephanie: really scary at the time, but it’s

fine now. Like whatever.

Hugo: I think it’s just so great to that you’re here on the show

talking about this,

Stephanie: really?

Hugo: like, so like the authenticity.

Stephanie: going to be a waste of your time,

Hugo: Oh, my gosh. Well,

Stephanie: hahah

Hugo: this is so valuable. Um, Like, a lot of people, they choose not to be vulnerable, and especially not on, on a podcast, you know. But, um, the world, I think, would be so much better if everyone would be more open to, to the possibility that others might be struggling and not showing it.

Uh, and if, if we all could be a little bit more vulnerable without judging, then I think the world would be a whole lot better. and you’re doing this, you’re, you’re, you’re here. You’re talking about the stuff that’s, that’s, [00:38:00] that, you know, you’ve had to overcome, which. It’s painful, but yeah, I, I, I’ve got so much respect for that.

Stephanie: thank you. Uh, I do, um, um, I, do, there’s so many, and I’m just gonna throw the woman card out here because I’m not a man, but there’s so many.

Hugo: Oh, but I’m, I’m right there with you.

Stephanie: there’s

Hugo: The woman card exists and it, and you know, well, I don’t want to, oh, you can play every card out there because I, I have a feeling what you’re going to say. Like woman are judged a lot more than men. Mm

Stephanie: we are, but also so many women are struggling with addiction. They’re on meds, they’re drinking too

much, they’re they’re, [00:39:00] it shouldn’t be that way.

Hugo: No.

No, no.

Stephanie: it shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t be so hard to live that you have to self medicate. And I’ve been there. I understand it’s like your only outlet is to self medicate. My outlet now is talking about it. And I think if I can talk about it, then maybe someone else will talk about it

Hugo: Yeah,

Stephanie: and make

healthy choices for themselves and their body and their children. You know, if they’ve got children, um, I think that’s super important.

Hugo: yeah, yeah, well, that’s the entire goal of the show. but, but, yeah, so, just, just to be clear, like, all these studies show [00:40:00] that, that, well, there’s the pay gap, you know, the gender pay gap, which is I guess the most newsworthy item between men and women. But there’s so much more, like studies about mental health and trying to find what works and what doesn’t.

They are mostly tested on men. And so what works for men might be totally different than women. And then women get the solution that works for men. But it turns out that it doesn’t work the same for women. So anyway, there’s so much that, that that needs to be better. And until that point, uh, you can, well, everyone can use any card out there because there’s still a valid reason to do so.

Um,

Stephanie: Yeah. It’s, uh, being on my own and running my business and paying my own bills and taking the trips, all that stuff has been, um, challenging.

Hugo: Yeah,

Stephanie: [00:41:00] But super empowering

as well. And I know that I’m very lucky that I have what I have.

Hugo: I’m so happy to hear that. so, so, um, we are already, uh, over the 40 minute mark. Oh, wow. this is flying by. Uh, but, but,

Stephanie: I didn’t even look at the time.

Hugo: Your, your business, um, photography, right?

Stephanie: Yep.

Hugo: So how, how scary was it to start doing that? Because you were doing it already, but now, now how, it’s, it’s a good kind of energy, I guess, like, but it’s still scary.

Like, it might keep you up at night, but,

how, how would you describe that?

Stephanie: so the first few years after my divorce, I definitely just like focused on my business, trying to grow it as much as I can

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: really put my health to [00:42:00] the side. And then, uh, about six months ago I started, okay, I got to bring my health back into this

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: And when I did

that, all this business stuff that I’ve been trying to grow actually started growing.

Hugo: Oh, okay.

Stephanie: the moral of the story is my camera batteries. That’s not my camera batteries running low, but that is not the moral of the story. The moral of the story is that we have to take care of ourselves first.

Hugo: Yeah.

Yeah. you, well,

Stephanie: to take care of ourselves first. We

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: oxygen and everything’s going to be okay. Like I always like when I make videos and stuff, I try to do like some motivational stuff it always goes down to, are you going to die? Is this going to kill you? it’s not going to kill you, fine. You know,

Hugo: Yeah. Well, yeah, it’s true. Yeah. Especially if you’re doing it for [00:43:00] something that ignites that fire from within, then you’ll get it done. You’ll find a way.

Stephanie: Yeah.

you got to find your passion.

Hugo: Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie: what makes you want to wake up in the morning. And, uh, to me it’s just helping people. So

Hugo: Well, Yeah. Well, again, I have so much respect for that. And you’re you’re being here talking about your journey. Um, I hope, and I’m pretty sure, but I hope there’s at least one person out there. Um, yeah, who can relate to your story and who has some helpful tips along the way or has learned some helpful tips from you along the way.

Uh, I’m sure.

Stephanie: So too. And yeah.

Hugo: So is there, uh, well, um, two questions that I always finish the podcast with. Um, If people want to find you, uh, where can they do? So, where can they find you or hit you up?

Stephanie: Um, my website is stephshanks. com, but right now it’s, it’s all photography with some, some of the [00:44:00] podcasts I’ve been on. Um, because I haven’t really figured out what I want to do. Next. Um, and then I’m on Tik Tok, but I don’t know my Tik Tok name. Uh, Facebook, Steph Shanks Um, we’ll, we’ll, I’ll figure it out, but my website has my email and all that stuff on it.

And I’m always happy to talk and,

Hugo: It’s the mindset. I actually love this mindset. Like, I’m just going to start and I don’t know where the ship is going to sail, but I just need to leave this, this place that I’m at currently and I’m just going to figure out where I’m going to go. Anyway, along the way.

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah.

Again, because like, like this is my,

you know, this is, It’s a healthy outlet to find other people that are doing very similar things.

Hugo: Yeah.

Stephanie: It’s not easy to find, so I really

appreciate you and what you’re doing.

Hugo: What comes to mind now? And you know, this is not business advice, [00:45:00] obviously. But there was podcast recently who turned both things into one. Um, what she found out was she was having mental health struggles, and she found out her love for cooking while overcoming her her struggles.

Maybe there’s a nice bit of overlap between photography and sharing your story in an authentic way.

Stephanie: Yeah, I hope so.

Hugo: and, and,

Stephanie: But I didn’t want to,

I don’t want to like not tell my story until I have a plan. I’d rather the plan will come,

Hugo: oh yeah, yeah.

Stephanie: long as I’m being honest

and real and

Hugo: yeah.

Stephanie: people along the way.

Hugo: Wow. Wow. Awesome. Um, sorry. I have a second question still,

even though I have lost track.

Stephanie: my camera dies, like you’ll know, but

Hugo: Oh yeah. I’ll

Stephanie: keep

Hugo: try to keep it Keep it short. Um, if, if, is there, was there anything I [00:46:00] should have asked that I haven’t asked that you might want to share?

Stephanie: Um, no, I’m excited to see some of your podcasts, like on YouTube. I haven’t seen any yet. So where are you?

Hugo: It’s,

Stephanie: question.

Hugo: it’s, um,

Stephanie: are you going to be

posting

Hugo: this is recorded on the 12th of July. Uh, the first three episodes will be launched, um, well, this Sunday actually. So in two days it

will be on, well, it will be on YouTube, Spotify, apple, uh, and I will do my best to be on social media too. Even though I have not yet, uh, claimed a Tik Tok handle.

Uh, I’m, I’m the same as you. I’m just going to start and see where this goes. And, um,

I don’t know. I don’t have it all figured out yet.

Stephanie: fire. Yeah, it’s kind of tricky on TikTok, but,

Hugo: I, I, yeah, yeah. I’m just going to figure it out and, uh, and find out. And, uh, at least I’m going to try, but that, [00:47:00] that’s where it will be at. So, uh, yeah.

Stephanie: good.

Hugo: Um,

Stephanie: yeah, I don’t really think you didn’t

ask any questions. Um, I wasn’t really sure where, where they, where it goes, you know, cause

Hugo: Yeah, yeah, that’s what I love about these conversations. It’s just seeing where it goes, you know, chit chatting for 10 minutes about dogs and farmers and stuff like that.

I love it.

Yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah. Got a shout out to my roots of, you know, getting hollered at

Hugo: Oh yeah, yeah. So how far are you from the Canadian border though?

Stephanie: Oh, I’m about, uh, six hours. So it’s a little bit of a journey, but not too bad.

Hugo: If you drive from north to south of Wisconsin, how long will you drive? How long is the drive?

Stephanie: Um, I would say that’s about six hours

Hugo: Oh, okay.

Stephanie: two hours,

uh, I’m kind of central. So

Hugo: Yeah, yeah.

Stephanie: have to go up through,

there’s two ways. You can go through Michigan or Minnesota to get to [00:48:00] Canada. So

Hugo: Okay.

Stephanie: they’re both about the same. So

Hugo: Well, I wonder when my next guest from Wisconsin will appear.

Stephanie: Maybe it’ll be later today. Yeah.

Hugo: Well, anyway, it’s been so great having you. And thanks again for, for your, well, courage, vulnerability and sharing your story.

I

really appreciate that.

Stephanie: I appreciate you too. We’re friends now, so just gained new friends.

Hugo: Exactly. Another friend from Wisconsin. Wow. Yeah. So, so, um, if I got my maths right, it’s currently 11 a. m. in Wisconsin. 10. Ah, so you’ve got a whole day ahead of you. Is it sunny? Is it sunny out there right now?

Stephanie: yeah, it’s

sunny and, uh, 78 degrees.

So,

Hugo: Nice.

Stephanie: really, it’s not, that’s Fahrenheit. So,

Hugo: Pleasant.

Stephanie: uh, it’s a beautiful day.

Hugo: Nice. All right. Well, have a great day. Have a great [00:49:00] weekend.

thanks again and, uh, I hope to speak to you soon.

Stephanie: All right. Take care.