Shownotes
You can find Amanda on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. Her podcast, F*ck It Mothering, can be found anywhere you get your podcasts.
Transcript
Full transcript
Hugo: [00:00:00] Hi, everyone. Um, welcome to another episode of tracking happiness podcast, um, a show where you get to eavesdrop, uh, an interesting conversation between me and someone with a very inspiring story. Um, and today that person is Amanda. Um, Hey, Amanda.
Amanda: Hi, happy to be
here.
Hugo: Thanks for being here. Um, you’re actually the second person on the podcast. Um, I just started recording today. Um, the previous person, the first person coincidentally was also a person from Wisconsin, which I know you’re from.
Amanda: Really?
Hugo: what are the odds, right?
Amanda: So random.
Hugo: You’re still in Wisconsin. I hope otherwise.
Amanda: I
am.
Hugo: All right. Otherwise my
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: messed up. Um, so yeah, that’s, that’s, that’s like Wisconsin is not that populated. Right. Um,
Amanda: No,
no, it’s definitely like a lot of farms.
[00:01:00] Um,
Hugo: odds are you might actually know this person. Um, anyway, anyway. Um, yeah, so good to have you here. Um,
Amanda: yeah.
Yeah.
Hugo: now. Uh, is it sunny? Like, is it like, can you go
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: without a winter jacket in Wisconsin nowadays?
Amanda: Yes, you never every year. You never really know when winter is going to quite end.
Um, this year we had a really mild winter. It was almost a little too warm for me on Christmas. Um, we didn’t get very much snow. So we have, we had a really early spring and we’re into very nice summer weather already.
Hugo: Nice. So, so for it, for us in the Netherlands, every year we cross our fingers, like, will it be a white Christmas this year? Um, I think the last white Christmas was like decades ago. I can’t
Amanda: Really?
Hugo: So even though we are further up north than Wisconsin,
Amanda: Yeah,
that’s crazy.
Hugo: [00:02:00] Yeah. Um, but anyway, I want to let our viewers or listeners know that you are far more experienced in podcasts than I am.
So,
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: In that sense, if things start going south or get a little awkward, um, it’s all
Amanda: Yes.
Hugo: now. I have
Amanda: Awesome. yeah, Awesome.
Hugo: the goal. And then, uh, it’s not scripted. It’s just an open conversation. Um, so wherever it takes us, uh, that’s all good to me. Um, So yeah, um, let’s just get started with the basics. Um, yeah. So Amanda, who are you? Uh, where are you from? Who, uh, what do you [00:03:00] do? How’s it going?
Amanda: Uh, well, my name is Amanda Haro. I am from Wisconsin. Actually, I’m originally from California, so I moved to Wisconsin about 10 years ago. Um, and now this is home and I am a burnout and life coach for a burnout and confidence coach for moms. Uh, my company’s name is fuck it mothering and I help women liberate themselves off the back burner.
Hugo: That’s rehearsed. Oh my
Amanda: Yeah,
Hugo: So there was
Amanda: I’ve said it so many times.
Hugo: there was not a single, um, in there. Uh, that’s, that’s, you know, that’s
Amanda: that’s the thing about being an entrepreneur is you have to meet so many new people. So in the last almost two years, I have met so many new people and I’ve gotten really, really good at saying exactly what I do very precisely.
Hugo: Yeah. Yeah. That’s nice. So my re my listeners or viewers now get to see what I someday hope to achieve. Quality
Amanda: will achieve [00:04:00] it. Speak it into existence.
Hugo: Excellent. Oh yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, okay. So, so, all right. Started where you’re born and raised in California then.
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: So how, how does that happen? Uh, moving to a state like
Amanda: To Wisconsin.
Moving 1800 miles away. Um, yeah, so I, my, my girl’s dad is from here. And so we got to a point, um, when my oldest daughter, I have four daughters. My oldest daughter was three. Um, where he was working from home. I was a stay at home mom. Um, so there wasn’t like a job that was keeping us in California.
It was just, it was family. And it was very difficult for me to leave my family.
Um, but ultimately we decided Wisconsin was a better fit for us as a young family. Um, it’s not as expensive. There aren’t as many people here. Um, the people who are here are nice.
Hugo: Ah, okay.
Amanda: and I actually do like the change of seasons because Southern California is It’s, you know, [00:05:00] very well known for their sunny skies and like perfect weather.
But the thing is, it’s like, it’s constant summer, you
know, like I like,
Hugo: or something like near
Amanda: yes, yes, yeah. near San Diego. So it’s, it’s, yes, it’s nice, but it’s just constant summer. And I actually like the change of the seasons. Everyone, when they find out that I’m, I moved here voluntarily, they’re like, why?
Hugo: No, no, I can, I can relate. Yeah. So there’s nothing like having endured a winter and then to see the group, the color green again for the first time in
Amanda: Yes. Yes. You can appreciate it.
Hugo: exactly. Yeah. Um, 1800 miles. That’s that for me, that’s like moving to Siberia, like distance wise or something like, like Russia. I’m, I’m far into Russia by then, I guess.
Amanda: so funny that you said Siberia because like, that’s literally the thought in my, my parents mind when I told them they’re like, you’re moving to the middle of nowhere where it’s just going to snow and you’re going to be miserable. Why?[00:06:00]
Hugo: Do they have internet over there?
Amanda: Yeah, exactly. It’s just like, guys, it’s still the United States. It’s very civilized. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine.
Hugo: Yeah. So that’s already a very interesting story, but that’s not why we’re here on the podcast. Even though I could spend like a lot of time just talking about geography actually, but um, let’s not go there. All right. So mental health struggles,
Amanda: Yes.
Hugo: to, to not lose grip of what we’re here for.
Right. Um, can you share a little bit about, about your, your story in that sense? Like what, what, like, how did it start? Um, yeah, just take us through there. Um,
Amanda: was 1 to like, personally identify as someone who like, struggles with mental health. Um, until, I don’t know, recently, like the last, [00:07:00] Five ish years. It’s really kind of like, I finally like accepted like, Oh, that was depression. Like that wasn’t me just like going through a hard time. Like that was proper depression. Um, and so like, when I looked back at my life, I can really see like my first real experience with depression was when I was 16, I got diagnosed with, um, something called Guillain Barre, which most people don’t know what it is. It’s very rare. It’s an autoimmune disorder where your body essentially attacks itself and it It eats away the myelin sheath around the nerves. So temporarily paralyzes you. Um, and so I was, I, the recovery from that is it took a year. I was out of school for a year. I had to be homeschooled. So it was just this very, very big, like snap. My life is completely different in the blink of an eye. Um, and. You know, I was a teen. I, at the time I was kind of, I had been going like back and forth between one school and then [00:08:00] another school.
So like I had just switched schools again and then I was, um, I had to be homeschooled and taken out of school. So my front, my support system, my friends, it, it was kind of like shaky. I felt like I was in between places. So I didn’t have a very big support system. Um, And yeah, I was like, I was wildly depressed. I just also like, I’m a very stubborn personality. So I think that’s served me many times.
Hugo: It can be a good thing, but also in a bad cocktail of influence like, yeah, no, yeah, I, I get
Amanda: Yes. Yes. But being a 16 year old and going through something that traumatic, um, and also depression on top of it, like. It’s it really served me to just be stubborn. I was just like, no, fuck this. I’m going to get through this. I’m going to get my life back. Um, but I didn’t it would have been really nice, you know, looking back in retrospect for someone to recognize what was going on with me and be like, Hey, we’re going to get you a therapist.
Like, we’re going to get you someone to help you. [00:09:00] Talk about all the stuff that’s going on inside of you, because the only way that I knew how to cope was just to like, bottle it right? Just to white knuckle.
Hugo: Yeah.
Amanda: The stubbornness, right? Just the, the white knuckle
my way through
it. Um, yeah, exactly. Just like, yeah, this sucks, but I’m going to get through it and then I’m going to get my life back and everything’s going to be fine. Um, and you know, actually when I moved with, uh, my then husband and my two kids, like it was, that was very, very hard. I did not have support from my family. And, um, it actually caused a rift between, and I’m very close to my family. So that was, that was really hard, um, to not have their support too. And then moving so far away from everybody that I knew and starting over again, it’s like, how are you supposed to make, it was this whole thing of like, how am I supposed to make friends?
How am I supposed to meet people?
And also we moved in October. So, and then we got hit with the worst winter Wisconsin had seen in [00:10:00] 30 years. It was a record breaking winter. So it was, it was, we were isolated. Um, my husband at the time was spiraling into his own very deep, dark depression. And here I was. With these two kids, no one to help me, no one to call on. And I couldn’t even, I could have, but I chose not to even talk to my family about how hard everything was, was for me because I didn’t feel supported by them
because I knew that they were angry at me for, for moving away and, and taking their grandchildren and their nieces.
Like I knew that,
um,
Hugo: so at school at age 16, you, Got over your depression by yourself. Then
Amanda: yeah.
Hugo: that, like episode, if I can call it that, um, you, you met your then husband, uh, got two kids and
Amanda: Mm hmm. Yes,
Hugo: um, Wisconsin. Yeah. And then [00:11:00] kablam number two.
Amanda: yes,
yeah.
And you know, I had my kid, I have a total of four kids. I had them all exactly two years apart. Um, and research now shows that for women, like hormone regulation, it can take up to two years, probably longer because research needs to catch up. We need to invest more in women’s health. That’s a totally different podcast topic though. Um, and so I, but. Because I was having another child every two years, I wasn’t giving my body any time to regulate or like come back down to baseline to normal. So I had so many different things going on. I had my hormones all over the place. Taking care of the Children by myself because I was a single mother before I was technically a single mother moving away from my entire support system. Um, and also my husband was like, in his
deep, dark hole of depression where, like, I was [00:12:00] depressed. I was anxious, but I was still functioning. Um, again, I think that’s just that stubborn quality of me. That was. Um, and also just like the mama bear, like, just someone has to take care of
these kids, um,
that
it was, it was really hard.
Hugo: technically single mom, you mean like you were practically on your own already? You were like, like, uh, like separated, but not on paper. Uh,
Amanda: No, we weren’t separated. We were in the same house, but I
was doing everything. Um, I wasn’t getting any, I wasn’t getting any emotional support. I wasn’t getting any physical
support. I was doing everything on my own already.
Um, and so. But again, I was just in survival mode. I didn’t, I recognize like, I feel really shitty right now, but I don’t have the capacity to feel these feelings. And that’s the main lesson that depression has, that I’ve learned from depression. From my depression is how it serves me and, you know, [00:13:00] looking back, seeing different depressive episodes, I could see how depression was really serving me because I did not have the capacity to feel the level of pain that I was actually in. If I did, I would not have been able to take care of my kids.
And I needed to take care of my kids.
Hugo: So, so you’re saying survival mode, like, like basically instincts kicked in, allowed you to keep your head down
Amanda: Yes.
Hugo: and just go forward without, you know, without noticing the roller coaster that you’re on. Like, is that a, is that a good way to, to explain it?
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah, basically.
Um, our bodies are, are so brilliantly designed, you know? And it’s just, I needed to survive, and survival mode for me lasted for years.
Yes.
Hugo: is my lungs, why are my lungs connected to the thing that I eat with or drink with? But yeah, in other ways, it’s [00:14:00] really like really, really good. This design is on point most of the time, but sorry, that’s, that’s a bit of a stupid A stupid example, I like, now you explain why the body is indeed cleverly designed.
Amanda: Well, it’s just that whole mind, body, spirit connection. You know, we are all three in one, if you will, a Trinity. If you’re, if anybody listening is like a Christian based, if they know Christian religion, we’re all walking trinities, we’re all mind, body, and spirit. And those three things don’t, I think it’s like our life’s journey to learn how those three things.
Go together instead of fighting against each other. Um, but you know, in that time of my life, if I had actually felt what? Like the, the depths of the pain that I was in, not to say that I was like, [00:15:00] Some creepy Stepford wife robot who was like happy, who thought she was happy, but she was actually like screaming and said like, no, I, I was fully aware that it was fucking miserable, but I just didn’t feel like the full depths of my pain and abandonment and all of this deep stuff. Um, and that’s how depression had served me in that time because I didn’t have the tools. I didn’t have the resources. I didn’t have the support.
So, you know, when I look back at my, my nine year marriage, um, most of it was a shit show. I can see how, um, my, how it was all like divinely orchestrated, so to speak for me to be able to do the work on myself and heal the things that I needed to heal when I got to do it. Because there wasn’t a good time for me to do it before I couldn’t fall apart. Then it wasn’t time yet and that’s okay. And so [00:16:00] depression kicked in to like the way that I like to explain the brain to my clients when I’m working with them, because our brains are always trying to help us, but they’re not always like super great at it, similar to a toddler.
So if anybody has a toddler or has had a toddler, there’s like so cute. And. Want to help you like they, you know, they want to help you load the dishes into the dishwasher or something, but they’re really bad at it, but like they’re, they’re, um, the energy behind them is not like, I’m going to come and fuck this up for mom.
Like they want to help you. And that’s the same thing with your brain. Like your brain wants to help you. It’s just not really great at it. It
needs a lot of guidance. Just like a
Hugo: how is that helpful then? Yeah,
Amanda: like, you know, again, going with the analogy of. the toddler, my brain being like a toddler, there was a mess on the floor, which is my pain. And It covered it up [00:17:00] with a blanket so that I couldn’t quite know the extent of the mess that I was in until I was ready. And then I, I actually talked to myself and my brain in this way, once I’m realizing like, okay, I’m ready to do the work now and I’ll, I’ll thank that part of myself, like, thank you so much because I wasn’t ready to, to feel the pain and to heal this hurt.
Thank you so much. And thank you for helping me through that season by, you know, covering it up with a blanket, but that’s no longer serving me anymore. And I’m ready to see what it is, so please lift the blanket up and then I, I find it. I find the spot where it’s like, oh, this belief is what I’m believing right now.
This is the pain that I’m feeling and then I can go to work healing it.
Hugo: that’s, that’s, yeah, that’s like, um, so much wisdom in a single, in a single analogy, [00:18:00] but, but yeah, that, that’s amazing. Like, um, So, all right. So a lot, a lot to unpack actually. So this is where my inexperience as a podcast host shines through. Like, where do I even start? Um, something I noticed you said is that when in Wisconsin you didn’t have the resources, the support and the tools you needed
Amanda: Mm
hmm.
Hugo: were dealt with, um, it’s, it’s actually funny.
Um, And like on tracking happiness, I’ve interviewed over 150 people and the most common struggle is depression. Um, and. the most, the three things that help people most like number one is therapy, uh,
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: Um, another great tool is journaling. Like, okay, so,
Amanda: Mm
hmm.
Hugo: it’s relatively simple, but okay.
You, you still [00:19:00] need to be able to, to, you know, to have a space to journal, to have the time to
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: if you have four screaming kids and a non functioning relationship, like, where do you find the time? then
Amanda: I actually did find the time to journal.
Journaling helped me quite a bit.
Hugo: So let me be a good podcast host now and postpone that topic for
Amanda: Yes.
Hugo: before I start rambling and going down another rabbit hole.
Um, but the third, the third one is, um, um, actually, no, I forgot
Amanda: Sorry.
Hugo: um, the support network, obviously. Yeah.
Amanda: Yes,
Hugo: your family being all the way back in sunny California, uh, being mad at you for taking away their grandkids. Um, you know, um, That must have really sucked.
Amanda: it did.
I’ve
Hugo: wow. But then, go back to the journaling.
Um, I’ve been, like, you’ve been journaling now for, like, 10 years at least now, if I do my maths rights. Um,
Amanda: actually been journaling since I [00:20:00] was a kid. Like since I, I have my very first
journal and I can barely read it because I must’ve been in like first grade or second grade or something and like that the spelling was not there. So,
yeah. yeah, yeah,
Yeah.
Hugo: yeah, um, that, that, that must be, um, Such a right to flip through those pages and get to see your growth. Like even though you get to relive in a way your deepest downs, which is not always fun. I can assume, um, you can still reflect on how much you’ve grown since then and where you were and how long you’ve come from those days.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah, I, don’t even recognize that person. I feel like I’ve, like, evolved. I’ve, like, lived three lifetimes since that person.
Hugo: Yeah. Oh, wow. All right. Um, I wanna, wanna park this for now.
Amanda: Okay.
Hugo: like journaling is so close to my heart. Um, but. If I let [00:21:00] myself go, this becomes a journaling podcast. And I feel like there’s more to your story because, um, I’ve read the interview that’s on trackinghappiness. com and there was a third, um, time that depression, um, had a role and like played a part in your
Amanda: Yes,
Hugo: Um, can you tell us a little bit about that?
Amanda: yes, yes. That was the most recent time. Um, so at, in December 2021, um, so at that point I was already divorced and, um, I was living with my dad. My dad ended up moving out here to Wisconsin in
- Hugo: California.
Amanda: Yes,
from sunny, from sunny California. Actually, I think he moved in, no, I think it was at the beginning of 2020 or. I don’t remember if it was the end of 2019 or
what it doesn’t matter around that time. Um, and then in April of 2020, I lost my, [00:22:00] um, I lost my means of financial support and I could not find a job just like 16, 000, 000 other Americans.
It’s like. No one was hiring,
um, because we were all at stay at home orders and businesses were shutting left and
right. Um, before I was a stay at home mom, I was an accountant. Um, my. my. grandmother, my Nana on my dad’s side, she is an accountant and actually she’s 87 and she just barely closed her business last year.
She finally was just like, this is enough.
Hugo: Wow.
Amanda: But she had took, she took me into the family business when I was a teenager and taught me basic bookkeeping and, and accounting skills. And she had encouraged me to go. I get a degree in accounting, um, in college. And I was like, Oh, this is the most boring shit of my life. I don’t want to, so I didn’t, but I did have those skills that she taught me and I worked with her for like three years. Um, and [00:23:00] so I, Long story short, I got myself a job, but I still, I didn’t find the job in time to save the, the rental, the townhouse that I was in at that point
in time.
So I moved in with my dad,
um, and, uh, we were still with him in 2021 and we lost him to COVID, um, in December, 2021, and it was actually. Uh, COVID, I, I got it first. I got it. And then, uh, the kids got it and then my dad got it and then he died. So I had that
Hugo: Jesus.
Amanda: and also, um, my, I had been seeing someone at the time and he his true colors in a brilliantly horrible way during that period of time when I was grieving my dad right after he had, he had died, it was a period of in like a month where I lost my dad. And I broke up with this [00:24:00] long term relationship. We’d been together for three years at that point. Um, and we were going to have to move out of the house, um, for other reasons. So it was just a period of like tremendous loss,
tremendous loss and grief. And a lot of guilt. I, I just barely released the belief that like I killed my dad last year. Um, That was really difficult
to, to not draw that parallel. Um,
Hugo: Poo.
Amanda: yeah, I was really depressed.
Hugo: Yeah, oh, wow.
Amanda: My life blew up in all facets all at once.
Hugo: Yeah. Wow, yeah. So, What do we say, man? What do you even say? Well,
Amanda: you know, and I, at that point
I had been.
Hugo: At, at what? At, like, at Covid? Like, [00:25:00] at,
Amanda: I was, I was just angry at, honestly, at God, like,
and I, so I grew up Christian. I’m not, I would not call myself a Christian anymore. I definitely still believe in, like, a divine higher power, something connecting all of us together. But I was just very angry because, like, I was someone for so much of my life, my whole life until very recently, always been like the good girl.
I’d always like done what I was supposed to do. Um, followed the formula and. I, my life kept ending up in the shitter, like, and I’m like, I don’t know how much more suffering I have to go through. Like, why do I keep having to suffer? What less, what other lessons could I possibly have to learn? So it was just very angry, um, and also depressed.
And during that time, I, that was the first time I actually went on antidepressants. I went to the doctor and I was like, I can’t function. Like, I have. [00:26:00] I have four kids. I have a full time job. I then became the um, my dad didn’t have any of his, his stuff like put together or anything. There wasn’t a trust.
There wasn’t a will. There wasn’t anything. Um, so here in the states, every state operates differently, which is fantastic. But in Wisconsin, um, it then had to go through probates. So his. All of his assets, all of the liabilities needed to go through a formal court process and there needed to be someone put in charge and that person was me. Um, so I became, uh, I forgot I, the name, the title of it is like completely
escaping me right now,
Hugo: Master
Amanda: was, yeah, I was, I was in charge of, Dealing with my dad’s estate, which was this whole legal process that I didn’t know anything about. I had to do a lot of research. I had, there was so many, so there was so many like things for me to [00:27:00] do and the kids and my job. And finding a place to move. And I was just like, not handling my depression. Well, so I went to the doctor and like got put on something. And I remember the very first time that I felt the medication kick in, I was at work and I was just doing my thing and something triggered me that would have like caused me to like, excuse myself to go to the bathroom so I could go cry it out real quick
and I could feel inside of myself, like the medicine kicking in.
And it’s like, I couldn’t get to that level of sadness. So it’s like cognitively. I recognized this is so triggering. I want to cry, but I wasn’t crying. And I, I couldn’t actually like get to that level of like feeling the depths of that trigger and that sadness. And I was like, Oh, thank God for this medication.
Hugo: It was like a
Amanda: So
Hugo: seatbelt or something, like, like. Uh,
Amanda: Exactly. And It made me think of, like, you know, when I get a headache, [00:28:00] I don’t have any, any mental drama about taking some Advil for my headache. So why would I have any mental drama about taking pain for this emotional, you
know, taking a pill for the emotional pain that I’m
in? Um, and so if any, anybody listening to this is like on the fence about medication, you feel shame about medication. I really hope that that helps you. It’s okay. It’s okay to go get some help. It’s okay to, it’s okay if you need to numb the pain for a little bit.
Hugo: Yeah. Yeah. So to my listeners or viewers, what she said,
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: doing the better job at it, being a podcast host. And I know, but, but yeah, truly like, this is something that, that, to be honest, to be fair, like, like a lot of people who I’ve interviewed are on the fence and a lot of people, they, they say like, no, that’s an absolute no brainer.
I don’t go there. Um, but, but why? Like, there’s tons of stories showing [00:29:00] positive effects of it. Uh, but then there’s still people and, and, you know, no, not pointing any fingers or something, but, uh, it’s such a, a hurdle that, I don’t know, it’s like, as if you are crossing a line that shouldn’t be crossed or anything.
Uh,
Amanda: Yeah, well, there’s just always been, there’s been so much shame wrapped around it
for decades. Um, and it, it takes, it takes some doing to like, work your way around those thoughts. Um, but you know, if you’re ever worried about like, There’s this comedian that I love, Taylor Tomlinson, and she does such a, a beautiful job about talking about mental health in her sets and her journey on mental health. And she talks about like, you know, well, but what if someone is going to judge me for being on medication? And she’s just like, well, you know, those people don’t care if you live or die. So maybe fuck those people. And that’s just like the best way to put it.
Hugo: Well,
Amanda: going to judge you [00:30:00] on getting help that you need,
just. They don’t care about you at all, so maybe fuck those people.
Hugo: yeah, no, no, yeah, well said. Yeah, couldn’t have said it any better. Um, but, but, it still took, like, a lot of pain and multiple encounters with depression. Um, like what, it, like, was the, like the first depression you only learned in hindsight that, hey, that was depression. Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: second, I’m not sure, um,
Amanda: The second I wasn’t really like, I just felt like I was really sad and I felt like my, like my sadness was circumstantial. So it was just like, if I can just help my husband. Figure his shit out and get out of like, whatever this is happening with him, then I’ll feel okay. Like I, I really, so I wasn’t, I wasn’t acknowledging it.
I wasn’t really like accepting like, Oh, I have something going on
too.
Hugo: yeah, yeah. And then the third time [00:31:00] was the hardest, um,
Amanda: Yes,
Hugo: um,
Amanda: and,
I had more self awareness at that point. I had been doing work on myself. I had been actually paying attention to myself and,
you know, working on loving myself and and prioritizing my own self care. Um, and so I recognize like, okay, I know what this is. I know that I need help. It still took a few months for me to actually like go to the doctor and ask for the pills.
Like it got to a point where I was like talking to my therapist and I was like, so like, when do you know if you need medication? You know, because like, I feel like shit, but I’m functioning. I’m not like not able to get out of bed. So like, where’s the line? And she’s like, I think the fact that you’re asking the question means that you’re ready to, you know, Dive into
that.
I think that’s that there it is.
There’s your sign.
Yeah.
Hugo: Like people wanna watch a single, a single [00:32:00] sentence of this episode, this is it. I think like, like I feel like so many people are wondering when do I take action? Um, well, there it is, I guess.
Amanda: If you’re asking the question, then
that’s it. That’s it for you. And it’s okay. And like for me, I was on medication for a year. Um, and then I didn’t feel like I needed it anymore. Got off of it. I’ve been doing fine ever since. Um, and I know for other people, it’s more of like a, a long game. It’s, you know, some people end up staying on it for the rest of their lives. Great. that.
Do whatever you need to do to help yourself.
Hugo: yeah, yeah. . Wow. So, so, and then. That was four or five months in, like, from when it all started, um,
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: stuff. Um,
Amanda: Yeah. Mm
[00:33:00] hmm.
Hugo: say, like, you don’t overcome it. Instead, you learn to live with it.
Um, I’m not, like, opinions, uh, on that differ. But Was there, is there, has there been a time where you’re like, Hey, okay, so I, I’m, I don’t need this medication anymore. I can deal with whatever life throws at me at this point on my own in a healthy way.
Amanda: Yeah. Um, and actually it’s funny because I, I actually experienced another bout of depression after the original interview
with you.
Hugo: that was in October, 2023. So like eight months
Amanda: Yeah. So the beginning of this year, uh, the shit hit the fan for me again. One of my daughters had a, a really scary diagnosis. Um, and it really, it, it rocked me. Um, but like, this was the, the, the cleanest way that I’d ever. experienced depression [00:34:00] because I, I sort of like welcomed it this time. I saw it as a friend, saw it as like something to help me through this because again, I recognize like, okay. I cannot feel the depths of pain that I’m in right now because my daughter needs me.
Hugo: I, in my head, I’m, I’m envisioning you and a toddler, like, go away with your blanket. Get away. I got this.
Amanda: Yeah, but just, just welcoming it and, um, holding so much like grace for myself because so much stuff, all suffering in life period happens when we’re resisting our reality. So much suffering during my other depressive spells happened when I was resisting the depression. I was like, I don’t want to feel this way, you know, being the main
thought and you’re, you’re fighting it. Um, I didn’t do that this [00:35:00] time. I was like, I feel this way and it’s okay. It’s going to pass. I’m going to process it. It’s going to be fine. I’m going to, cause I, I know that I have myself, like I’m holding myself. And so, yeah, it was just, it was, I was very depressed and I was very open about talking about that on my podcast too, when I came back and started like recording regularly, um, because it was just, it was a very, very clean experience of depression.
It was very unique to all the other ones.
Hugo: That’s so beautiful. Like, of course, depression sucks,
Amanda: Yeah,
Hugo: but to be able to deal with it gracefully, clinically, um, that, that’s beautiful. Great. Right. Um, well, uh, to me it sounds great. Um, that feels really weird to say. Um,
Amanda: I know it does. It’s, it’s, it’s weird, but it’s like, [00:36:00] um, you know, I, I learned how to like hold hands with my depression,
basically. Yes.
Hugo: like, I know that lots of people are, you know, dealing with, um, a bad time, like, oh, I’m just in a little bit of a rut or, uh, yeah, it’s not going great, but it’s also not terrible, you know, um, might very well be depression.
And then only if you acknowledge it and accept the situation for what it is, then you can work on it and, and learn to live with it and overcome it. At least that’s, that’s how I see it. Um, so to hear that you’ve been. Well, like, you’ve basically have been experienced in that sense, like, and you’re like, hey old friend,
Amanda: Yeah,
yeah, right. Yes, exactly. And just, [00:37:00] uh, you know, again, welcoming it to, to numb what I needed to have numbed
at that time.
Hugo: not
Amanda: Yes,
Hugo: it, not sticking your head in
Amanda: I’m not judging myself like you,
I, I would judge myself so harshly. Um, you know, you start thinking about people who have it worse off than you. I don’t have any right to feel this way.
I just need to get my shit together. What’s wrong with me? All of those shame thoughts like I just had. Nothing to do with any of them. And that’s, that’s my, that’s my work as a life coach. I mean, being, becoming aware of your brain and your thoughts and how thoughts are just optional sentences in your head.
And so I was able to like, see those and then like, Nope.
Pass pass on those thoughts.
Hugo: want to get to the, uh, next, like the, the, what you’re doing now, but first I want to, uh, talk about journaling, the topic.
Amanda: Yes, yeah,
Hugo: so you’ve [00:38:00] been journaling since you were a kid and then you changed over the years. Like every other five years you, you become another person, or at least that’s my experience.
Um, you read back your, your entries and you’re like, who is this guy? Who is this girl? Um, But, but, you re read your entries from when you were depressed, can you, like, I think so, but, but, um, can you, like, how can you see the difference in what you were writing about and the way that you allowed your mind to operate and to, your, your thoughts to basically come to life?
Amanda: it’s it’s always interesting going back and rereading my old journals. Um, I actually did that at the beginning of this year. I re, read last year’s journals because I had, like, I now I have. I journal quite a bit. I journal like usually like twice a day.
Um, so last year I filled up six journals and [00:39:00] so going, going back and rereading all of them, it was, it made me have such an appreciation for myself and it also like some, some things I like because hindsight being 2020.
Right. So something that. In the moment, it seemed like such a big deal. It was so devastating. It was like, uh, and then, you know, a year later, looking back at it, it’d be like, Oh, right. That actually was not that big of a deal at all. And so finding the humor also in like laughing at myself,
but not in a derogatory way, not in a judgmental way. Um, and. Yeah, so I actually really like rereading my old journals just to see how far I’ve come, but also to appreciate myself. Um, not judge myself. Not in a like, oh, I can’t believe I was that stupid before. This is embarrassing. I should burn this. Like,
just an appreciation for like, oh, [00:40:00] look at me go. Look at me grow, you know?
Hugo: Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, to me that is maybe or probably the biggest benefit of journaling for me, to be able to, to have those like hindsight, like looking back over the years, like those moments, even though I don’t usually flip through my journals a lot, but when I do, and I’m in the mood to
Amanda: Yeah,
Hugo: starting this habit. And
Amanda: yes,
Hugo: you’ve been going for such a long time now. I feel like, that’s so much value that you’ve collected over the years.
Amanda: yes, it’ll be very interesting to see what my children do with them when I die.
If they look at this stack of journals and they’re like,
Oh my gosh, mom, why? Or if they like, appreciate that they have all those pieces of me.
Hugo: Or they, they just don’t [00:41:00] care and they’ll just never. Oh, I can’t imagine, but, but I’ve been thinking about this somewhere, like somewhere, some, some way I, I would like people to know, but in other ways I would just rather have people forget about it.
Amanda: Right. Yeah.
Hugo: Oh, that’s so great journaling. Well, um, before this turns into a journaling podcast, we, we are already, um, like time is flying so fast.
Um, for real, like,
Amanda: Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Hugo: for just 10 minutes.
Amanda: gonna go ahead
and
Hugo: just one more question then,
Amanda: bye. Have a good one. Bye bye. Bye.
Hugo: And how, like, you said you’re a life coach for pregnant women. Or
Amanda: Uh, for moms. Yeah, Yes. Um, yeah, no, I’m doing really great right now. I’m in a, [00:42:00] I’m in a very abundant, joyful season of my life. I’m enjoying it. Um, uh, yeah. So I’m just focusing on my business and my kids. Looking forward to summer, or at least I think I’m looking forward to summer because this is going to be our first full week of the kids being out of school.
So in my mind, I’m looking forward to them being home all the time. Probably that’s going to change in like three days.
Hugo: And so, so, um, So, yeah. So in your, in your career now, if I a career like entrepreneurial journey, like how, how often do you think like, oh, I’m able to do this because of the experiences that I’ve gone through? Is that, does that play a big role?
Amanda: Oh my gosh. Yes. That’s like,
Um, that’s, yes, that’s why I became a life coach was because of my own experience. Um, and so that’s, it’s also like when I get frustrated [00:43:00] with having to like do deeper work on myself, because I’m just tired or crabby or just being human. Um, it’s, it’s like that reminder of like, well, if I want to keep serving my My community and my clients, I have to do this deeper work on myself because I, I’m going before them. Um, and my work on myself determines the work that I’m able to do in my business. Yes. I was.
Hugo: of this podcast. It’s like, you’re dealt a card, you’re, you know, you’re, you’ve been given a scenario that’s, that’s, you know, let’s be honest, it’s, it’s, it sucks. But what you do with it, and how you, you know, the actions you take from there, they you down a path that eventually helps you do the things that you’re good at.
You know, it helps you discover your strengths, and like, it identifies who you [00:44:00] are, and it allows you to, to grow your strengths. I don’t know, it sounds a bit sappy, probably, but. Um, I, I believe that’s going to be a theme.
Amanda: Yes, absolutely.
Hugo: That’s, that’s wonderful. Um, it’s just a small analogy that I always think of. It’s like a tree, a tree grows in, in the direction, where’s my hand, right here, in, in the, like, if a tree, if the wind’s from that side, it’s
Amanda: Yeah.
Hugo: grows stronger to face that wind.
Amanda: Yes.
Hugo: to my viewers, I’m point, I’m just pointing with my hands.
It’s no use. Um, um, but, but anyway, the story here is that like you only grow strong if you are tested and to hear you like you’re sharing your, your wisdom and your experiences others, that that’s just super inspiring. Um,
Amanda: Thank you.
Hugo: so yeah, um, on that note, if people want to find you or want to check you out or getting, [00:45:00] getting contact with you, where can they find you?
Amanda: Yeah, I have my own podcast. Um, fuck it mothering, uh, but it’s fuck without the U. So it’s FCK
it mothering.
Hugo: swearing now.
Amanda: Exactly. So it’s like just a little bit of swearing. Um, and and then I’m also on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, as far as social media and YouTube. As far as social media goes. Um, I’m running a mom’s summer camp group because summer can be a little bit. Overwhelming and stressful with all the children home. Or if you work from outside of the home, you
have to pay.
Hugo: That must be a short, short, yeah,
Amanda: So anybody, yes, anybody can, can come join us. It’s free. It’s it runs, um, June 10th through August 9th, I think. So I’ll, I’ll give you the link for that. If people want to sign up and come join us. Um, but yeah, that’s where people can find me.
Hugo: Awesome. All right. Well, yeah, that, that wraps it up for the, the second podcast on, [00:46:00] uh, on tracking happiness. Yeah.
Amanda: Yay.
Hugo: It’s been, super great having you, um, yeah. So thank you. Um, drop a comment, uh, let me know what you thought of it. Uh, do, uh, hit, uh, do, do contact Amanda. If you have any questions, I’m sure she is open to that.
Um, great. And see you next time.
Amanda: Thanks for having me.