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Hello! Who are you?
Hi, I’m Karen Kossow! When my husband and I decided to have kids, I was excited and thrilled to become a mother. We’d recently moved from our home in Upstate New York to Boise, Idaho, bought our first home, and eloped to Las Vegas. Things were hectic but good! We had no problem conceiving – within a few months, I was pregnant.
Things took a turn when I developed severe hyperemesis gravidarum, preterm labor, and many other pregnancy complications. When my son was born at 36 weeks, he was healthy, and we were able to leave the hospital two days later.
Things were good (for the most part). My son had some behavior challenges and sleep issues. But our pediatrician assured us it was all “normal boy stuff” and he’d calm down as he got older.
So, we chose to get pregnant again.
My son was 4 years old when my daughter was born. It was another difficult, life-threatening pregnancy. Over the next three years, our family of four struggled. A lot.
Ultimately, both of my children were diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. In time, I’d also get an EDS diagnosis, as well as a lengthy list of my own neurodivergent diagnoses.
What is your struggle and when did it start?
I’d always been anxious – I can’t remember when I wasn’t nervous and stressed! I dealt with depression and an eating disorder in my teenage years. Both were relieved when I moved away from my abusive parents when I was 18. Throughout my early adulthood, I thrived.
Over the years, I found coping skills and stress management techniques to help me navigate life with anxiety. I became a massage therapist and explored my interests in wellness. My physical, emotional, and mental health were my priorities. Yet my anxiety continued.
So I expected my postpartum period to be challenging. Yet, I didn’t struggle with postpartum depression. It was the opposite for me.
The long months of being ill while pregnant were so horrible. Once I was no longer pregnant, I felt a surge of joy and happiness…
But that joy wore off quickly!
My babies didn’t sleep. They needed near-constant co-regulation to help their underdeveloped nervous systems feel safe. It was a lot of work, especially since I didn’t know what I was doing! These were not “by the book” kids, and nothing I tried helped. To make matters worse, we had minimal family support.
We were not set up to succeed. But we muddled through and did our best.
How did this struggle make you feel at your worst moments?
The early years with my children were a difficult time. While I loved them with my whole heart, I didn’t understand how to help them. The usual parenting advice didn’t work for us. I felt like a failure on so many levels.
My anxiety was out of control. My system was constantly overloaded. There were days when I couldn’t function.
It’s hard to admit, but some days, I didn’t enjoy being a mom…and I hated that! I wanted nothing more than to be the parent they needed. Unfortunately, I had no idea what that looked like. And they couldn’t tell me.
When someone suggested we assess them for autism, my first thought was “No!” It was too triggering for me. Yet those assessments would help me discover what my children needed and what I needed for myself.
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Was there a moment when you started to turn things around?
It took 5 assessments for my children to get the proper diagnoses. In that time, I learned more about their needs and how best to support them.
We found therapies to help them feel more comfortable and confident in their bodies. I connected with a counselor who helped me process the trauma of my pregnancies and my own childhood.
Everything seemed to be moving forward. The kids were doing great. My husband and I were doing well.
We took a cross-country road trip to see family in New York (in a pop-up camper with our carsick rescue dog). For the first time in years, we no longer had 20-35 appointments per week.
I had time to sit and simply enjoy my kids. And then a weird thing happened…
I stopped.
My hyper-functioning persona came crashing down, and I couldn’t “do all the things” anymore. I couldn’t get my kids to the few appointments we still had. My anxiety spiraled out of control. The tools I developed for my self-care and happiness were no longer working.
It became painfully obvious that something needed to change.
What steps did you take to overcome your struggle?
So, I did what I always do when faced with adversity: entered hyper-research mode!
Through trial and error, I discovered how to control my anxiety and recover from burnout. I worked with a team of therapists, coaches, and medical providers to figure out why things were so hard for me.
I made peace with my own neurodivergence! I realized there was “more” going on than the PTSD, anxiety, sensory sensitivities, and OCD I’d already been diagnosed with. I discovered at age 45 I also have ADHD, and I’m probably autistic, as well.
That reframe was huge for helping me understand my challenges so I could get myself out of the hole I was in. By prioritizing rest, strengthening my boundaries, and focusing on self-care, I’ve been able to feel whole, happy, and collected. Most days.
Anxiety is still an ever-present challenge in my life. One I’m not sure I’ll ever be free from.
There is a new theory that supposes a distinct type of anxiety is unique to autistic individuals. Unfortunately, it may not be treatable since it is due to functional changes in the amygdala. But I’ve found meditations, medications, a smidge of gratitude, and a whole lot of loving kindness are the keys to feeling like myself again. Again, on most days.
Being open and honest about my struggles also makes a huge difference! Letting go of the idea that people will only like me if I’m “perfect” has been a game changer.
Perfectionism is a very common trait of high-masking and late-diagnosed autistic adults. It’s the armor we use to navigate the world and keep ourselves safe. Unfortunately, it kept me in an anxiety prison. Being honest about who I am and what I need enabled me to break free.
Have you shared any of this with people around you in real life?
A curious thing happened once I turned 40. I looked around my friend group and realized most of my friends are neurodivergent in some way. Or their kids are. Together, we’re navigating the ups and downs of this period of our lives. While riding the roller coaster that is perimenopause and raising teenagers.
I feel more comfortable with the smaller circle of friends I have now.
It’s easier to be my authentic self and not worry about what they’ll think of me if I need to change plans or move our coffee date from in-person to virtual if I’m having a bad day.
One of the most wonderful things about this journey of burnout recovery and self-discovery is that it’s strengthened my relationship with my husband. We’re closer than ever and our ability to communicate with each other has grown much stronger.
But the best part might be that I get to understand and relate to my kids on a level I never knew was possible. When they struggle, I have a deeper, intuitive understanding of their feelings. It reduces the challenges they face, and we recover faster from setbacks. Plus, it allows us to connect as we all learn and discover who we are and how we fit into this world.
If you could give a single piece of advice to someone else that struggles, what would that be?
Don’t be afraid to ask for help – it isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. If you think you’re autistic – especially if your kids are diagnosed or you resonate strongly with the neurodiverse community – look into diagnosis for yourself.
Know that self-diagnosis is valid! The costs of diagnosis as an adult are high and benefits are minimal (or non-existent). If after some careful research, you feel like a diagnosis of autism makes sense for you, don’t be afraid to claim it! Having the proper framework for why you’re struggling is Step 1 in overcoming the challenges you face.
What have been the most influential books, podcasts, YouTube channels, or other resources for you?
I read. A lot. If you ever need a good book recommendation, I’m your lady! These are some of the books that have helped me the most on my journey…
- Driven: Understanding and Harnessing the Genetic Gifts Shared by Entrepreneurs, Navy SEALs, Pro Athletes, and Maybe YOU: This book helped me positively reframe my neurodivergence. I now see how my challenges are strengths (when I use them the right way)…
- Achievement Addict: The Overachiever’s 12-Step Guide to Peace, Presence, and a Life Beyond Doing: And this was the book that showed me it’s okay to not do all the things I’m good at for all the people who benefit from me doing all of the things, all of the time…try saying that three times fast! As a recovering perfectionist people-pleaser, this book is a must-read!
- The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Self-Mastery: Sometimes, we get in our own way. This is an uber-popular book for a reason. Understanding how you may (inadvertently) cause your own problems is the first step in overcoming them.
- The Gratitude Diaries: How a Year Looking on the Bright Side Can Transform Your Life: My daily gratitude practice was the beginning of my self-care adventure. This is the book that convinced me to give it a go.
- Calm the Chaos: A Failproof Road Map for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids: I love the kindness, empathy, and real-world support this book provides. The simple-to-follow, step-by-step instructions will help you parent from a place of peace and understanding.
- The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children: Dr. Ross Greene is a wonderful human with amazing ideas (and the research to back it all up). When I say this book changed everything about how we parent our children, I’m not exaggerating. This is the book I recommend all parents of autistic kids read. Even if your kiddo doesn’t have explosive behavior…it will help reduce meltdowns, reframe your perspective, and help you connect more deeply with them.
- Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live): This book helped my husband and I come to a mutual agreement about who does what, when, and how. When you have a ton of stuff going on, and feel like you’re drowning in the mental load, this book will help make the invisible work you do noticeable so you can get help with it.
- the princess saves herself in this one: Sometimes you just need a little poetry after a long day. The themes and beauty of this anthology are a great way to unwind and refill your cup.
Is there anything else we should have asked you?
If you connected with my story because you’re neurodivergent or you’re raising a neurospicy kiddo, please make sure you are taking care of yourself! I truly think parental self-care is the key to helping our children do and feel their best.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, and regular self-care advice probably won’t work for you.
Or at least it never did for me…
For free self-care resources that will help your unique situation, including over 120+ articles, podcasts, and guided meditations, please visit my website at OutOfYourOrdinary.com.
Where can we go to learn more about you?
Looking for the most supportive group for neurodivergent and autism parents on the internet? Join me inside The Self-Care Support Squad! Or, turn your scroll time into self-care, and follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or YouTube.
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